Gerbil

Gerbils are not hamsters!

This article is about the animal. For the instrument, see Gerbil (musical instrument). For the chemical element, see Gerbyllium. For the sport, see Gerbil tennis.

In the beginning, there was God. Then there were hamsters. God looked down on his creation of the hamster, and he was not pleased. So he created a new creature to justify his previous failure, a creature that was better than the hamster in every possible aspect. He called this creature the gerbil, and he was very pleased. This article will explore the nature of the gerbil, and how it has remained steadfastly better than the hamster throughout many centuries.

Characteristics

General appearance

In stark contrast to the hamster, the gerbil is a very small creature. Hamsters were very large, making them cumbersome and quite inefficient. These problems were solved when the gerbil was created by giving the gerbil a smaller, more lightweight carbon fiber frame instead of the steel frame sported by the hamster. 

Common stereotypes

Most people believe that all gerbils are gypsies. This is in no way true- it is merely a lie spread by the corrupt governments of several third-world countries in an effort to keep the true nature of gerbils hidden. Were all gerbils actually gypsies, they would have been exterminated in the Holocaust. Though there are gypsy gerbils, the great majority of them are perfectly normal civilians. Another image that may come into the mind when one thinks of gerbils is rugged desert adventurers. This, in fact, is more true than not. To use an analogy, if a hamster is a boring old city resident, a gerbil is a rugged cowboy. A great many of them actually profess as cowboys, as a matter of fact. Gerbils provided a great amount of help in the driving of cattle across the Western United States, many of them riding on the backs of squirrels or even dogs, if they were especially tough. And that, my friends, is badassness at its finest.

Superpowers

The common gerbil often possesses a select set of powerful superpowers. The most commonly used of these is hypnotism. A gerbil is capable of putting any human or animal under its control by staring deeply into its eyes and, in a slow, creepy tone, saying "Mortal, your will is mine." They can also wipe people's memories using a more refined technique of hypnotism. This may be used after the earlier described hypnotism, so that the subject will remember nothing about being the slave of a gerbil. Of all a gerbil's powers, the one that is to be feared the most is its laser vision. Unlike a sheep's laser vision, which is very weak and cannot be used for much more than lighting cigarettes and frying ants, a gerbil's laser vision is powerful enough to slice through lead. Exposure to gerbil lasers for any amount of time is nothing less than deadly. However, there are ways to avoid being aimed at with such a deadly weapon. First of all, don't tick off a gerbil. But if this fails and you have a ticked-off gerbil likely to use its laser vision on you very soon, the best you can do is run. Just before blasting its lasers, a gerbil will emit a very loud cry of "Mhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhjjjjggggghhhhhh!" This is your cue to begin running away as fast as possible.

Famous gerbils

Harrison, the world's most famous gerbil. Be careful looking at this picture; it's like staring into 100 suns.

Through the years, many gerbils have risen above the others and grown to a status of stardom. Some achieved this by singing hit songs. Others became famous through their careers. Still others got famous just for being the best sign-spinner in all of their hometown. Here are some examples of some of the most famous.

• Dave Chomp- the host of gerbil radio show "Chomp FM", which can also be tuned into by humans but all they will hear is a cacophony of indiscernible screeching noises. He is rich enough to eat a sandwich for lunch every day.
• Bria Wigworth- the performer of pop hit "Yezwhi Khan", which charted as the number one single for 3 whole months. She cannot spell.
• Dr. Fred- the only current gerbil rapper. Most gerbils really don't like rap. No, they despise it.
• Salton Finnacre- he's only famous for his unfortunate name. Poor guy.
• Piers Morgan.

Modern-day uses

In technology

Gerbils have been used to power many types of technology through the years, such as cars and some types of computers. Gerbil technology is based mainly around a number of individual gerbils running in wheels to generate power. Many of these industrial gerbils eat nothing but gasoline, and a constant supply of it must be continually fed to the gerbils if one wishes to keep the machine running. Others require small jolts of electricity to keep them running. However the gerbil is fuelled, gerbil technology is always a very reliable and efficient form of power that has aided humanity very greatly.

Examples of gerbil technology

• Most types of cars produced by the Ford Motor Company since the year 2002.
• All sedans.
• Older models of printers. A 2007 gerbil strike prevented the technology from being usable in later models.
• LCD calculators.
• Linux computers.
• Several types of interactive robots, including Keepon and GLaDOS.
• Mexican jumping beans.
• The Amazon Kindle.

As pets

Many human beings, cruel as they are, keep gerbils as pets. The reasons for this are not well understood. How can they not see that keeping a gerbil inside a newspaper-filled cage is completely humiliating for them? It has been suggested by some that they're just asking to be blasted with lasers. Cockatiels are a better choice of pet; they're not very quiet at all, but if you piss them off, the worst they can do is bite.

Build Your Own Gerbil!

In today's economy, gerbils can go for very extreme prices, making their usefulness almost not worth it. Building one yourself is far less taxing on your wallet. Pay close attention to this segment! It will provide a step-by-step guide on how to build your own gerbil.

Things You'll Need

Lubricant.

• Liquid polyurethane  
• Carbon fiber sheets
• Fun Fur
• Two-ply facial tissues
• Wood glue
• Gerbil mold (if needed, home-crafted)
• Lubricant
• Standard-grade tweezers
• Sewing machine 
• VitaminWater

Step process

1. Set up a good workspace. A science lab or bathroom (the kind with a tub) is usually good.
2. Make sure you've got all necessary materials (see Things You'll Need).
3. Apply lubricant to the mold, so that the gerbil will pop out nicely once it's ready.
4. Fill the mold with polyurethane. This will be the base of the gerbil.
5. While the polyurethane is hardening, cut the sufficient shapes out of carbon fiber to form the frame of the gerbil. Remember to use carbon fiber and not iron or steel!
6. Piece together the gerbil. Make sure its arms and legs bend in the right way. You want this to be realistic, do you not? Make adjustments as needed.
7. Drink two quarts of VitaminWater. Any flavor will do. You need a break.
8. Use tweezers to make any needed adjustments. Examine the hardened polyurethane for impurities. Have any air bubbles formed? Are parts of the gerbil sagging? Fix these errors.
9. Apply the fun fur (make sure you have the right kind!) with wood glue and a sewing machine. 
10. Use the tissues. Does this even need explaining at all?

Congratulations! If you have followed these steps correctly, you will have ended up with a perfectly functional gerbil. 

See also

• Gerbil tennis
• Gerbil (musical instrument)
• Hamster (if you're even curious enough to want to look at an article about such an inefficient animal)