Daily Mail Paranoia
Daily Mail Paranoia is a common mental illness that afflicts many middle class individuals in the United Kingdom. Unusually for mental illnesses it is particularly infectious and has a tendency to spread via friends and families after reading or touching a copy of the Daily Mail newspaper.
Other conditions that may well present symptoms in a similar manner are stupidity, bigotry, people who watch Fox News, Sarah Palin and patriotism. The related Guardianista Syndrome has some similarities, although some of the symptoms can be markedly different.
Causes[edit]
The original cause is not clearly understood but it is believed to have existed since the early 20th Century. Genetic and environmental factors appear to play a role in this affliction. The environmental factors seem to derive from a general feeling of that the 'country is going to the dogs' and that politicians, immigrants and the European Union are to blame. The symptoms involve paranoia, nostalgia and an inability to trust what everyone else (except the Daily Mail newspaper) are saying.
Genetic[edit]
Studies have found that they can run in families over the course of several generations. Occasionally some family members are immune but others can develop Guardianista Syndrome. It can also develop in middle age, especially once their children are in their teens. It is almost exclusively found amongst the white population, there are very few sufferers found among ethnic minorities.
Environmental[edit]
It is usually found in leafy, suburban areas of the United Kingdom, usually places within 100 miles of Wimbledon. Occasional sufferers can be found in rural areas as well and it seems to be more prevalent in the south of the United Kingdom. The Northern English prefer breasts and whippets, as supplied by the Daily Star.
Infectious[edit]
It can be spread between people through prolonged contact over a period of months to years, such as between spouses and among friends.
Prevention[edit]
It is difficult to prevent, but it is hoped that more public awareness will make the general population more aware of the debilitating effects of this condition. The most effective antidote for the illness is reading The Guardian, although this only effects those in the intellectual elite and listening to Radio 4 is a side effect.
Diagnosis[edit]
Daily Mail Paranoia often goes unrecognised and usually starts to manifest during early middle age. Diagnosis of Daily Mail Paranoia takes several factors into account and considers the self-reported experiences and behavioural abnormalities reported by family members, friends or co-workers. The sufferers themselves are rarely able to realise that they are unwell and it will take intensive efforts by others to make them realise that there is a problem.
Symptoms[edit]
The sufferer is addicted to the Daily Mail and treats it like gospel. They will incessantly talk about articles that have appeared in that newspaper, especially from the health and lifestyle section. For further information about what topics they will talk about, please read the Uncyclopedia article about the Daily Mail.
Other related symptoms will be a tendency to shop for unsuitable clothes in Marks and Spencer, get obsessed with golf, complain about literally everything, go apoplectic at the sight or mention of Ed Miliband (although most people in the UK do that anyway), an aversion to vote Labour or Liberal Democrat and they have very little understanding of the Internet.
Management[edit]
Exposure to the Guardian, the Observer and the Independent will only aggravate the condition. The Daily Express is ineffective: it can cause Dianamania which is a serious condition that is usually encountered amongst Americans. Treatment by the Daily Telegraph is the only known remedy because of its more modern and moderate view of conservatism. This is achieved by gradually weaning the sufferer off the Daily Mail by introducing increasingly greater doses of the Daily Telegraph.
Prognosis[edit]
Generally, there is no reduction in life expectancy even though the patient mistrusts the NHS. Many people can still enjoy a full and healthy life despite the risk of relapses.
List of people with (possible) Daily Mail Paranoia[edit]
- Jeremy Clarkson, journalist and TV presenter. Known for inflammatory comments about foreigners.
- Simon Cowell, pop empressario. Famous for mass-produced bland pop stars.
- Nigel Farage, ale-drinking and fag-smoking politician and leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party. Accused by many people of being a "little Englander".
- Richard Littlejohn, newspaper columnist. Hates everyone except "the man on the street".
- Your parents.
