Dad's Army
“I grew up in a family like this, brings tears to my eyes. Hold me Watson”
“Don't tell him Pike. D'oh!”
“You lazy git, Pike!”
“What a load of twatting soilders they are. Bastards.”
“SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! I dropped my sodding clarinet on Godfrey.”
Dad's Army, is the East Welsh name for a fly on the wall documentary about once upper class mental patients during Hitler's Garden Expansion. Filming of the documentary, mostly done without the knowledge of the patients, commenced in 1922 and was completed in 1937. To people in other countries unfamiliar with the British class system the programme may appear to be a comedy but this is not the case. This is reflected in the names given to the show abroad such as Spain where it is entitled "Funny Men Marching", Canada "Back in Blightly" and Japan "Me See No Schoolgirls, Must Be Comedy". Dad's Army is noted in the Guinness Book of Records as having the highest ever TV ratings for a show filmed in Ilkeston as on 30th February 1921 around 5 (five) dozen (twelve) people turned on the picture box to watch. Fans of the show include Sherlock Holmes, Martin Luther King-Day, Pocahontas, Shakira Shakira and Eiffel Tower.
Background To The Show[edit]
The show was devised by Simon Cowell and Emma Bunton on a skiing trip to The Netherlands shortly after Cowell's third divorce in 1996. Cowell's nephew had fought in Churchill's Quest for German Cigars, being involved in the famous "Battle of Colchester NAAFI". Having received egg on his face and a folk in the eye Cowell's nephew was sent to a hospital to recover where he saw the faded South Scottish aristocracy for the first time, many who believed they were soldiers but were really bank managers, undertakers and butchers.
Cowell Jnr then assumed the pen name Billy Shagspur and serialised his experiences meeting the loonies in written form and gave away the volumes in cereal boxes serially with different serial numbers for each serial. Whilst up to the eyeballs on student's medicine Bunton recalled reading the books as a child some 3 years previous and suggested to Cowell he bought the rights to the cereals off his nephew. As this was in the pre-X-Factor days SC was short of cash so he approached his Auntie Beeb for funds to film, which she agreed to lend. Whilst Cowell did the majority of the technical work on the show Bunton's role was to film it, going undercover as a nurse. Production costs for each episode were (adjusted for inflation) 15 beans, 3 Monopoly boards and half a helicopter. By the time the fifth and final series was over costs had soared to £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (1 Abramovich), 15 solid gold houses and 21 bras for Bunton as they kept breaking 'accidentally' whilst each show was produced. As mentioned before most of the filming took place in Ilkeston but some external shots were taken in Stockport, Royal Leamington Spa, Narnia and Freemasonry.
The Cast (real names disguised for data protection reasons)[edit]
George Brainwearing - Nominally a bank clerk, although retired for some years, George styled himself as the leader of this bunch of 'soldiers'. The name Brainwearing was chosen as George's grey matter often seeped out of his ears and onto his top hat. His wife is seen in almost every episode of the show and he has an almost inappropriately close relationship with the local traffic warden and vicar. George is strawberry blonde and is often seen with a slug on his top lip.
Half a Wilson - Foul mouthed and rude, Wilson is named such as his full surname is hypenated and would give his identity away immediately if revealed. Wilson is often seen trying to outshout Brainwearing, who he secretly considers to be an immense military tactician. As he looks a lot like the youngest inmate of the asylum Pike's Privates, there is an unspoken assumption throughout the entire four series which is finally exposed in the last episode. Wilson is indeed Pike's uncle.
Pikes Privates - At the spritely age of 87 Privates is the youngest inmate. He is considered by all to be the smartest of the group, a fact backed up that he attended boarding school for three whole weeks at the age of 7, three times as long as the nearest person. Brainwaring is a particular fan of Privates often saying "You veritable genius Privates" and "Do tell him Pike" when Pike tells a story of his immense bravery. It is suspected that Privates may be the one person who actually knows that Dad's Army is being filmed but he wishes to stay inside as he is in fact Jimbo Wales's father.
LC Jack Butcher - A lean mean fighting machine with a love of the people of Africa who he helped fight against the Dutch. There is some question over Butcher's sexuality as he often mentions his girlfriend Mrs Fox (The Fantastic Mr Fox was unavailable for comment). As beastility for over 80 year olds was criminalised in East Wales in 1998 authorities are looking into this. Butcher is often seen talking to the chef at the institute, Uppam, showing his disatisfaction at the cooking. They don't like it Uppum, they don't like it.
Other cast members include Old Man Allahfrey, Jock Generous (of the House of Fraser), Johnnie Walker and Reverend A.T. Makers.
The future of the show[edit]
As many of the asylum inmates are training to push daisies and are pining for the Fjords (ibid Jones, Gillan, Cleese & Idle) the future of the documentary is undecided. Producer Buntons upcoming wedding to socialite Avid "Can I Have a Reee-Wind" Merrion has sparked rumours of a feud between her and Cowell, who co-owned Brigton and Hove Albion FC with Merrion in the 1970s. As of (insert date here) the shows future, and that of the asylum, looks bleak. There is possibility of an ITV156 spin-off called Last of the Winter Port being produced but these rumours are as yet unconfirmed.