Christian Science

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Witchcraft?

Godzilla, staunch advocate of Christian Science, pictured above attending Sunday morning mass. Though not Catholic, he can only attend services in large cathedrals.

Possession is 9/10ths of the law and all of Christian medicine. The sacrificing pigs part is optional.

Christian Science (also known as pseudoscience and "mumbo-jumbo") was pioneered by Christians, who felt that critical thinking, the emergency room and the scientific method were making them lose too much money. It all started when Mary Baker Eddy saw a ghost and thought, "What if we're all ghosts but don't realize it?" Christian Science operates by draping sweet lies of immateriality like a sheet over the horribly repulsive and bitter truth of cold hard reality. The truth is always depressing anyways and so really they're doing everyone a favor by making it more palatable by saying the mercury poisoning is all in your head. Anyone who says otherwise is a Left-wing Liberal Nazi conspirator.

What is it?[edit]

Christian Science is the search for and presentation of evidence in support of Christian Science. This is done by reading the Bible, taking various scientific and unscientific data (mostly the latter), throwing away the "evil" information, and then framing it all back within the context of the Bible.

The Christian Scientific Method[edit]

Establish a prejudice.
Find scriptures that support your prejudice.
Ignore all scriptures that do not support your prejudice.
Claim it is God's prejudice.
Garner the support of other Christians that believe your prejudice and take their money.

The scientific basis of Christian Science[edit]

...

Theories in christian science[edit]

In christian science, a theory is completely different from a theory in genuine science. The 2010 christian scientist terminology handbook defines theory as "A lack of faith in the answer, prayer", whereas in actual science, a theory is something that has withstood enough testing to surpass the hypothesis stage. It should be noted that "hypothesis" has never been used in christian science terminology, as it is sounds too much like hypnosis, and psychology unlike prayer can't cure the common cold.

The standard (only acceptable) procedure for testing christian science theories is thus:

Huddle around in a prayer circle with your team of fellow christian scientists; but not too close, that's gay and god might send a hurricane at you.
Ask Lord God to give you an undeniable sign if your theory is wrong. Notice how nothing happened? God would have given you a sign if you were wrong, that was the deal.

Optional additional steps:

Try to get into legitimate scientific journals and cry persecution when your procedures are laughed at.
Use christian network television to extort large donations from the poor and the rich promising in return that God won't let your ass get nuked in Pat Robertson's next predicted doomsday.
Use the money to butter up the highest up Republican politicians you can afford in an attempt to pass a new law that outlaws "liberal science" and replaces it with wholesome, church-friendly christian science. That way Richard Dorkins can finally shut the Darwin-damn hell up, right?

Findings[edit]

This is how God's evolution really works

Christian Science has proven the following:

Creationism[edit]

This is the ~~theory~~ fact that the Earth really was created in six days, and on the seventh day God invented beer, potato chips, and football. Creationist scientists have proven that dinosaur and human fossils are all fabricated to trick people.

Young Earth Creationism[edit]

The Earth isn't actually as old as scientists say it is. Scientists lie because they hate God. Or God lies because he hates science. Or science is God because it hates lies.

Intelligent Design[edit]

This is the theory that you can get religion into schools if you don't mention most of the above and mention God only through the euphemism of 'intelligent designer'.

Both sides should be heard...

Circularism[edit]

Circular reasoning is completely valid because God is fucking crazy. The Bible is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God.

Hell[edit]

Christian Scientists have proved that Hell is actually at the center of the earth, along with God's car keys and the remote control. Hell is also believed by many Scientologists to be L. Ron Hubbard's boathouse...or his mind, you decide.

Anthropic Principle (Christian Version)[edit]

This is the principle that everything has a purpose and a reason, and that reason is God always needs more money.

Natural Disasters[edit]

Homosexuals are the real reason for natural disasters and government failures, and hurricanes should all have biblical names.

Prayer[edit]

Prayers always work without fail, even when they don't, you just must have done something wrong, even if you didn't. just not to you, unless you prayed for something bad, in which case it always happens to you.

Homosexuality[edit]

Homosexuality is a curable disease that directly causes pedophilia and then spreads to the children, continuing the cycle. This disease also draws hurricanes like magnets, but this only applies in the Bible Belt, oddly. Top Christian scientists consider the last part to be irrelevant information.

Final Proof[edit]

In 2003 Professor Reverend Wilmsey Hitchcock of Lebensmittel University in Berlin rocked the scientific world when he finally produced irrefutable, scientific proof that 'because God says so' is actually the product of pure, undeniable scientific method. When asked why he has not actually published the complete proof, he replies that 'it would be too long-winded and complex for a scientific journal. However, he has assured scientists and laymen from one edge of the flat world to the other that 'the debate is at last over'.