Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Call of Duty)
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Captain Price: So, is everyone here?

Gaz: All present and accounted for. Except for Soap. He had to go to the bathroom.

Private Random Name: He has to go a lot doesn't he?

Captain Price: We have no time to talk about that. In less than 24 hours, Codename Nikolai will be executed in Russia.

Gaz: What kind of a mission is Nikolai?

Captain Price: It's a man. He was an informant on the cargo ship operation in the Prologue.

Gaz: But why is he codenamed? I mean, is there any specific reason that he's codenamed Nikolai? Isn't his name actually Nikolai?

Captain Price: Shut up.

Gaz: Yes, sir.

Remember? This Prologue.

(typing sounds)

Captain Price: Gaz, what are you up to now?

Gaz: Reading this neat Uncyclopedia article on something called Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.

Captain Price: Have you lost your mind?

Gaz: Whoa! The article just said that you were saying the exact same thing!

Captain Price: So, what is this Call of Duty 4 anyway?

Gaz: Well, it says...

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare is one of the games in the Call of Duty franchise that underwent a time warp and suddenly took place in Present Day "Various Random Places Around the World"™. The game does not take place in World War II, unlike its many other predecessors, and also is noticeably missing key elements in a stereotypical shooter video game. Where are the zombies?

Contents [hide]
1 The Cast
2 Diary of 'Soap' McTavish (Single Player Gameplay)
3 Multiplayer Aspects
3.1 Multiplayer Rules

The Cast

  • Soap McTavish- the main character of COD 4. He is the strong but silent type, even though he has bladder problems. He is also the only one in the game that ever does anything, at the order of the Cap'n. He is the only character in the game who can decide how hard the terrorists are going to be. He may or may not be British, but really, no one cares.
  • Sgt. Paul Jackson- the other main character of COD 4. Again, another silent one, but he is not nearly as short, which is a bonus. He seems to have a neurotic fear of blowing up or kicking through doors. It never works for him. He happens to be on the site of a nuclear explosion, but manages to survive for 22.3 seconds before dying from it
  • Gaz- Also known as "Target Practice", this guy saves the plot-critical Soap by telling him how to shoot a gun in a straight line by aiming. Like Captain Price, he is a member of the "I Pretend To Shoot At People Even Though It Doesn't Do Anything" club.

Captain Price: Wait, they made a Video Game about us?

Gaz: I know. Who knew? I always thought that I was just a bad shot.

Captain Price: Quiet. Keep reading.

  • Some Captain- The unimportant Marine Captain who barks orders at you and yet is so insignificant that you can't remember his name no matter how hard you try. He likes to kick down and blow up doors, and also has a habit of getting bad intel about the location of certain terrorists.
  • President Al-Asad- The main terrorist and president of the general area that you're fighting in, he is the CGI representation of Saddam Hussein, and yet is more easily caught than anybody. He blows up a nuke in his own city. What is this game's obsession with nukes? Seriously?
  • Imram Zakkaev- Often referred to as 'That Guy', Imran is not revealed until the point after you kill his son, his friend, and hundreds of the terrorists that do his bidding.

Diary of 'Soap' McTavish (Single Player Gameplay)

Gaz: At what point would Soap have been able to write a diary? He's always doing all the work.

Captain Price: Nobody cares. Who reads an article on something called Call of Duty? Seriously?

Gaz: Us, apparently.

Captain Price: Shut up.

March 24, 2007, Warehouse with an infinite amount of ammo-

So I got the job in the S.A.S., I had the very strange sensation that someone was watching me. I don't know why my name is Soap. I mean, I'm not very clean. But I decided to deal with it, and some guy named Gaz told me how to walk forward, shoot a gun, shoot a gun past plywood cover, aim, pull out my sidearm, etc., etc. I mean, how desperate must they be for new soldiers if they have to tell me, some guy named 'Soap', how to shoot a gun? I also was taught how to slaughter watermelons. My mother would be proud.

After I got the hang of shooting a gun, Gaz told me to meet with the rest of the guys at the next warehouse. I used my compass, which interestingly enough, does not point north, but points in the direction of my objective, which, at the time, is to talk to Captain Price. I suddenly realized that I had to pee.

So I met the rest of the team, who all had strange British accents. They asked me questions, which they didn't let me answer, and immediately directed me to go up a ladder. A ladder. Why is it a ladder? Why can't I just do the exercise on the ground? Is it too much to ask? But no, I have to rope down to shoot cardboard cut-outs of people who look exactly like SAS members. Are they promoting friendly-fire? If so, then why am I instantly killed when I shoot my ally? And why do they not react to my bullets? Everything just fades away...

And then I respawn at the apparent checkpoint, ready to restart the exercise. I have to wait for Cap'n Price to shut his yap, then the most amazing thing happened. The rope began glowing yellow, as if it was telling me it was important somehow. I'm serious. And I wasn't even high at the time. Something's wrong with that rope.

I still have to pee. And I just roped 10 feet down to the floor. It ruined my time for the exercise, and there's not a bathroom anywhere in sight. How do these people live? Can't I just take one bathroom break? What's wrong with you people?

Because of this, a flash grenade happened to bounce against the wall next to the door and landed behind me. I turned my head away and closed my eyes, and somehow still ended out blinded. That's really lame. I mean, seriously. It's almost the lame as the time I lagged and teleported directly above the grenade I just threw. That happens more than you think it does.

So even though I failed the test, they gave me as many chances to do it again as I wished, but refused to give me any more ammo to help me to do it, so when Cap'n tells me to "Shoot the targets!", I don't have any ammo to shoot them with, so I must use my knife, which is called "Knifing the targets". I don't know why this is allowed. I don't know how the targets know that they're supposed to be dead when I knife them.

I hope the cargo ship operation goes better.

March 25, 2007, Cargo ship with infinite amount of ammo.-

Damn it, I still have to pee. And it's raining. On a ship in the middle of the Ocean. While it's raining. I hate this job.

Damn it, where is the bathroom?!

Gaz: This job is awesome. I don't know what he's talking about.

We came on the cargo ship via helicopter, from which we then begin shooting at every moving figure on the ship. I could have sworn I saw a cardboard cutout, at which I promptly shot at, and was told that friendly fire will not be tolerated. They should give us different uniforms that do not look like the cardboard cutouts they had me shoot at. That's just wrong.

We got on the inside of the ship, after which we were met with Bad Guys With Guns™. During the gunfight, Private Random Name was shot in the chest, and I came over to him. With his dying breath, he told me the cost of a B-12 Bomber. I don't understand why that kind of stuff pops in your head at the moment of death, but I still remember the cost: $120,000.

So, in short, we found a nuke on the ship, which was interesting, but the most important part seemed to be a clipboard. Why the clipboard was more important than the Nuke I will never understand. But then, the ship was attacked by bomber planes, who apparently didn't know that there was a freakin' nuke in the cargo hold, and the ship began to sink (naturally).

If I ever make it out of here alive, I quit.

Captain Price: Quitter.

Gaz: Yeah, Soap is so fired.

Captain Price: We'll worry about that later. Keep reading.

Multiplayer Aspects

Not sure what to make of this..

The Multiplayer Online Wars for Call of Duty (MOWFCOD) reaches back thousands of years, and has always been between the veterans and the hackers, kind of like how the war between vampires and werewolves has gone on forever, but veterans and hackers are just so much cooler than that.

The ranking system starts you out as a Private, with the worst weapons you can possibly get in game, which creates a paradox in itself, because to advance in rank you need to kill more people; to kill more people you need better guns, and to get better guns you need to advance in rank. So this sets a double-standard upon itself.

The multiplayer gameplay is pretty much the exact same as the multiplayer aspects in any other multiplayer online shooter in the world, only there's even more hackers than anyone ever expected in a video game.

Multiplayer Rules

  1. Thou shalt not have fun while playing COD 4.
  2. Thou shalt take this game way too seriously.
  3. Thou shalt not hack.
  4. Thou shalt annoy other players.
  5. Thou shalt not actually try to win. Thou must cheat.
  6. Thou shalt teamkill.
  7. Thou shalt Spawn Camp.
  8. Thou shalt ruin the playing experience for other players.
  9. Thou shalt shoot through walls.
  10. Thou must turn thy headset's microphone up to sound like a chipmunk.

Captain Price: How do you manage to shoot through walls? I've never done it.

Gaz: Spawn Camp? Are they trying to say that us soldiers just materialize in thin air? What is wrong with this game?

See Also

Gaz: That was a really lame article! Who would write such a thing?

Captain Price: I know. This completely humiliates anything the SAS has ever worked for!

(Cocks Rifle)

Captain Price: I'm finding this kid.

Gaz: What about Nikolai?

Captain Price: Screw Nikolai. This is much more important than that.....

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 6 December 2009
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/06 December 2009