Bureaucracy Man
| Beauraucracy Man | |
 Bureaucracy Man on the front cover of Ultimate Bureaucracy Man! Issue #1 | |
| Greatest Weakness: | Anarchite |
|---|---|
| Secret Identity: | Lewis Libby |
| Powers and Abilities: | Bureauvision™ 1, Flight 2, Saving People 3, Red Tape of Rebuttal™ 4, Pen of Punditry ™ 5 |
| |
“Look! Up in the sky!”
- ~ Citizen on an intriguing object floating above him
“It's a Byrd!”
- ~ Another citizen on an intriguing object floating above him
“It's a Paine!”
- ~ Yet another citizen on an intruiging object floating above her
“No, it's just me, and you all need glasses.”
- ~ Bureaucracy Man on the citizens commenting on him flying
Bureaucracy Man is a superhero in the DC Comics universe, and probably the most hated superhero in comic history next to Triangle Man. He was kicked out of the Justice League fifteen times, the Legion of Doom seventeen times, and the Superfriends fourteen times before all three organizations stopped responding to subpoenas. He currently heads the Governmental Justice League with his sidekick Coffee Boy, Exploding Kidney Man, and Random, Incredibly Stupid Phrase Man, who are against the Legion of Metaphorical doom headed by the evil Doctor Spleen along with arch-nemesis Visigoth Gorath, and a man with a hook for a head.
Bureaucracy Man has an alternate universe counterpart aptly named Bureaucracy Man, who wore perscription sunglasses instead of contact lenses and sunglasses. Other than that, both universi were the same. However due to actions during the Crisis on Infinite Earths, both of them just wear sunglasses now, but originial universe Bureaucracy Man now can't wear blue ties. Although the purpose of such a universe is utterly pointless, it was used as a plot device in Issue #23, where Bureaucracy Man wears a blue tie, imploding the alternate universe. It is unknown whether alternate universe Bureaucracy Man survived the complete and utter implosion of his universe, although some have hypothesized that he transported himself to another universe by cutting a hole in the space-time continuum with the punditry pen.
Storyline[edit]
Origins[edit]
Bureaucracy Man was originally White House lobbyist Lewis "Scooter" Libby, who after being cut by a radioactive triplicate was given superpowers which he was completely oblivious of for several years, until the media caught him flying to work and he was trialed at Salem. Using his new found powers, Scooter used his powers of red-tape to stop the trial. Meanwhile, he escaped, and dawned the title of Buraucracy Man - defender of the paperweight, orderer of order, middleman of justice.
To help with his efforts to stop crime, and productivity by order, Bureaucracy man hired a boy whose identity is not important, and is just named Coffee Boy. He has no real purpose, other than to deliver coffee, and deliver incredibly stupid phrases that make even Random Incredibly Stupid Phrase Man blush (causing him to be slapped a record 55 and one half times throughout the series, although Batman claims that he still holds the record with the number of off-camera slaps).
Bureaucracy Man has fought everyone from Doctor Doom to Superman. Although he has been beaten, burnt, eaten, stabbed, severed, raped, killed, pushed, shoved, smashed, shattered and even poked, he had always won the battles against them because they failed to file the correct paperwork in triplicate afterwards.
Crisis on Infinite Earths[edit]
Although many superheroes became fundamentally different after the Crisis on Infinite Earths, Bureaucracy Man stayed relatively the same. However, he did suffer one major difference as a result of the crisis - he received a bad tie which stays at the back of his closet to this day. Although this tie has the ability to blind anyone who so much as looks at it, he disregaurded it, as it didn't follow Bureaucracy Man Ltd. company statuate 5923.45 about the dress code - no tie shall have an asymetric pattern on the left side without stripes and grounds to wear it from higher officers as per company statuate 1.9432. At one point Toy Man stole the tie, only to be blinded himself when he walked into the closet. It is currently unknown why Bureaucracy Man had not gone blind due to his tie, although it is hypothosized by 2 of the 3 fans that the necktie did not file form 9234.5C with proper identification in triplicate over the phone, resulting in a contract breach.
Superpowers[edit]
Bureaucracy man has a host of deadly powers which he can invoke after a 6-8 week processing period, and a small amount of money to cover shipping, handling, gasoline, triplicate, special, hidden, and ass scratching fees. Considering the current interest rates and the direction in which stocks are rising, Bureaucracy Man will be able to, say, rescue Tokyo from Godzilla within 2 to 5 months after the initial call between the business hours of 11:00 UTC to 17:00 UTC provided form F25.89a (aka the fourteenth green form) was filled out previously in triplicate 6 months prior to the incident. An exception fee will be charged to filings before 6 months of time. Provided proper permission was given from the CEO of Bureaucracy Man Ltd., he will be able to use his powers.
Some of his most notable powers include:
- Pork-o-vision™[1], and Bureau-vision™, which allow him to get things even though they have no significant value to anything.
- The Red Tape of Retribution, which is capable of freezing a customer in his tracks
- Flying, first class. This allows Bureaucracy Man to be anywhere in the world within 8 hours not including delays.
- Stopping time itself, or lengthening time in order to counter a villian.
- The Pen of Punditry, which allows him to sign signatures faster than a speeding bullet.
- Immortality. So long as Bureaucracy exists, so does Bureaucracy Man unless the conditions in contract 84B section IV subparagraph 2 are met.
There are also many less known powers which Bureaucracy Man has, including the ability to hold his breath underwater for 10 minutes and the ability to melt a coworker with a cold stare. However, these powers were deemed as rather useless and never made more than two appearances throughout the entire series.
Weaknesses[edit]
Bureaucracy Man is subject to many weaknesses as well, including, but not limited to what is included in this page. On page #104 of Issue #10 (Bureaucracy Man versus Santa Claus versus the Martians) it is revealed that he has an acute allergy to Anarchite and cannot hold his breath for over 10 minutes underground. A strike by the Elven Syndicate Local 425 would weaken both Bureaucracy Man and Santa Claus in this issue. Papercuts will also temporarily weaken in just to create a hole in the plot line.
He also has an addiction to coffee, one of the sources for his powers. Without coffee, the shake of his hands is capable of producing a fissure over four miles long, which is rather bloody inconvienient when you're in a building trying to fight the Rougue Paper Pusher.
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ Pork-o-Vision is a registered trademark of the Federal Congress of the United States of America Corporation