Bucknell University
| Bucknell University | |
|---|---|
| Motto | "We can't! We don't want to! And we won't!" |
| Established | Poland, 1938 |
| School type | Doesn't really have a type... blonde maybe? |
| Head | This Guy |
| Location | Middle, Of, Nowhere |
| Campus | The carpet matches the drapes. |
| Endowment | About 9.5 inches |
| Faculty | Mostly professors, some hobos, Alf |
| Mascot | Money |
- You may be looking for White People and not even know it!
“The best bowel movement of my entire life!”
“It's a University.”
“It's a highly ranked liberal arts college!”
Bucknell University is situated in the heart of the bloodthirsty Amish territory in the Pennsylvania highlands. It has no redeeming value except to serve as a safe haven from Amish nomads. Students comment on its largely homogeneous population as a plus. An avid Bucknellian was quoted saying, "We don't want any of those people around here".
Academics[edit]
Known for its rigorous academic course loads and weekly beatings, any Bucknellian will tell you that they don't feel at home unless they can fall asleep listening to the cries for mercy echoing across the Pennsylvania foothills. The university contains an engineering school, liberal arts college, and some fictitious program known as "Biz-uh-ness Skuul".
Bucknell is an interesting mix of smart and sexy. Top recruits are known for having excellent SAT, ACT, and DSI scores. While there is still controversy surrounding the DSI, university legislators are working hard to get the test accredited. President This Guy and his wife That Girl have endorsed the exam 110%. The main argument regarding the DSI's legitimacy as a college entrance exam has simply been: "How else will we find out?!". Astoundingly, this argument has held strong over several weeks of litigation.
Of course everyone is familiar with the DSI as the Dick Sucking Index.
The College of Arts and Sciences[edit]
This is it, team. This is where dreams come true. I've got a pocket full of miracles and they're all going to happen here. The College of Arts and Sciences can be broken up into two easy-to-understand categories:
1. ARTS: The school you attend if your family is rich enough to make you financially secure for the majority of your life. In case you haven't already guessed, the reason Bucknell accepted you is not because of your superior work ethic or winning personality.
2. SCIENCES: Future doctors, lawyers, and economists. One day these future leaders will breed, creating the world's next generation of Arts students.
The College of Enginerding Engineering[edit]
“To be an engineer is to not only know, but to be able to prove you are better than everyone else”
Some say the crème de la crème; others, doom bringers (in addition to many other popular video games). They are an endangered species, due to a very low female percentage of the population. A quiet and peaceful breed, engineers spend most of their days calculating, quantifying, and - if at all possible - furiously masturbating.
Amish[edit]
The Amish are under no circumstances a people to be trusted. They are akin to the gypsies of Eastern Europe, traveling from town to town huffing kittens. If you are to ever visit, beware for they could eat your face off and shit you out like one of their children.
Known for their leather-working, the Amish have created a niche sado-masochism market. From assless chaps to riding prods, you'll find it somewhere in Amish country. One literally cannot enter a store without being raped or fondled. It is their mysterious way, and should be revered. If you are ever confronted by an Amish person: 1) relax, it hurts less if you do; 2) try not to gag - the Amish are easily offended, and nothing is more embarrassing than losing your lunch on some guy's meat missile; 3) have fun and enjoy - it's your party and you'll cry if you want to.
Lewisburg[edit]
Named after Lewis Armstrong, C.S. Lewis, Huey Lewis (but not the news), and Michael Lewis after single handedly defeating Japanese in the War of 1812 and later during the Civil War. It is home to primarily Amish that have nothing better to do than eat ice cream and watch reruns of Biodome.
Downtown Lewisburg offers many interesting shops, restaurants, beer distributors, art galleries, wine and spirits stores, a cinema, and of course, the Booze-atorium. Due to the Amish belief that evil spirits rise from Hades at sunset, all shops close promptly at five o' clock.
Lewisburg High School, also known as the Green Dragons (insert stale marijuana joke here) is renown for its exceptional stock of guinea pi-... er, students. Their stellar football team has also not gone unnoticed. It is widely speculated that the Dragons could easily beat the Bison if such a game was to ever happen. The Dragons popularity has prompted Bucknell to generously grant them the use of Christy Mathewson Stadium (for a small fee of course... anything to make another buck).
The Mutants[edit]
While Lewisburg may seem quaint and cheerful from the outside, there lies a terrible secret that has plagued the town to this day... that's right, MUTANTS! How did you know? These aren't your parents' fun comic book mutants. What lurks in this town of the damned can only be described as the spawn of Chernobyl-children-of-thalidomide and the miners from The Hills Have Eyes. Rarely seen outdoors, the mutant menace seeks the dank solitude of the Lewisburg underground. At night they emerge to feed on their typical diet of motor oil and beer-soaked garbage. The rising squirrel population can be attributed to the parasitic relationship that has formed between squirrel and mutant. Once a mutant comes of age, a pregnant squirrel will lay its eggs in the unknowing mutant's enormous belly for the winter. On the first warm day of spring hundreds of baby squirrels tear their way out of the, by then, amorphous mutant. Their bodies nourish the new generation of squirrels, who in turn wreak havoc on Bucknell students. Mutants are believed to be the number one cause of the growing squirrel epidemic.
Notable Alumni[edit]
- Gangbanga Abangabanga, sucked Matt LeBlanc's dick
- Sundae Gellato, President of the United States... department of sanitation
- Ben Dover, pioneer of the self-administered prostate exam
- Jon Holden Cox, Professor of Animal Husbandry at Penn State... until he was caught at it
- Susan Curbstomp, received the United States Medal of Honor after finding Osama Bin Laden in a dumpster behind the White House.
- Mike Hawk, need we say more...
- Snortalotaphalus Jones, invented snelching