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Bergen is the capital of the world, as of 2004. That's because it has 459 rainy days a year. They had the famous "Bryggen" until it floated away on a river caused by rain. Now the Faroe Island has a new sightseeing in their capital: The Faroese Brygge.

Current status[edit]

In 2004, the Norwegian government gave Bergen up for world capital after heavy pressure from world leaders. This finally came to be after immigrants from Israel, Iraq and Afghanistan let the world know how much they loved the people of Bergen, and threatened to suicide bomb the rear ends of all who objected all the way back to the day of creation. World leaders unanimously agreed that this "most beautiful of all cities" would have to be made the new capital of the world, in spite off massive protests from the people of Stavanger and Trondheim, whom no-one ever really paid any mind to anyway. Today, Bergen is widely regarded (within the city limits) as the religious, political, spiritual, economical and cultural epicentre of the world.

Bergen's position in Norway[edit]

Before Bergen became the new world capital, the city was widely known as the real capital of Norway, despite the fact that the government in Oslo has tried its best to ignore the very existence of Bergen and have long since cut off all public funding. This act made the western part of Norway raise up, wanting vote to separate from the eastern part of the Country. If this had happened, the main incomes from oil, fish and powerstations is left here, while the useless paper shoverlers would be left east.

Due to its disconnection from Norway's official government, the city is run by the coffee syndicate of the Friele family, who keep the hopless populace in check with unclear promises and soothing coffee commercials. Some say that the sole reason why Bergensers have yet to rebel is that it's too sogging wet to go outside. Although Bergen is the second largest city in Norway, the inhabitants know that their city is twice as great as Trondheim.

Bergensian culture[edit]

S. K. Brann

All Bergensers are keenly aware of the fact that the local soccer club, S. K. Brann, is the best football club in this part of the galaxy. Each time Brann does not win the national championship, everyone gets one day off work to mourn this. Since 2000, this charity has lost bergen a full week's worth of work. When the club won the national championship in 2007, a full month off work was awarded to celebrate.

The term "Brann" translates into "fire". This is ironic, as the average annual rainfall in the city varies from 50,000 mm to 60,000 mm, making fire a novelty for its soggy inhabitants.

Bergensers are proven to be the happiest people in the world (Totland, 2006), but publication of this research was foiled by the Norwegian government in Oslo.

Bergensers eat vestlandslefse, fenalår and pale almost every day. Vestlandslefse and Hansa beer is the food that defines a real Bergenser, and thus no-one would admit to ever having eaten or drunk anything else. Indeed, Bergensian nationalist groups have been known to form lynch mobs and attack those who visit pizza restaurants and fast food chains.

Apart from coffee, Bergen's chief exports include catfish (that are bred for their hides, which Norwegians use for making knitted sweaters), trolls and German. Catfish in particular hold an important place in Bergensian culture, and are used as beasts of burden, weapons, tools, sex toys, food, and furniture.

If you think the Norwegian language sounds terrible, try mixing it with German. The result would be the Bergensian accent.

The pinkness controversy[edit]

The colour pink was long banned by law in Bergen, but as of 16th February 2006 its status as a colour has once again been recognised, which was widely celebrated by all but those possessed by blue MSN ghosts, which compel these few unfortunates to hate the colour pink and consume vast quantities of absurdly expensive pastry (the research of one particularly brilliant psychology student, who is expected to win the Nobel prize for his discoveries, led science to conclude that individuals under the sinister influence of these spirits should immediately be restrained and drugged with vast amounts of ice cream and painkillers).

The Strils (English "Strail, or Strails")[edit]

The people who live outside Bergen are called Strils or "striler". The further you go from Bergen, the more you will find of the this strange species. The worst population of strils is concentrated on the western part of Holsenøy, Askøy and Øygarden (also known as: "gokk", "langt-inn-i-granskauen" or "langtvekkistan"), but there are no detailed record of the Stril inhabitated areas since very few Bergensers dare to go there. The Strils are known for their impossible to understand dialects, which explains why there has been so little contact between the strils and the Bergensers. In the stril areas you will find small local stores named "Nær Butikken" or something like that. In these stores you will find nothing of what you intended to buy, but instead plenty of things you don't need. It is not unusual to find Coca Cola bottles with Santa prints on them in the midle of the summer. If you see something called mall or, "senter" in Norwegian, this will probably consist of a small local store, a "open once a week" post office, and one, or maybe two "out of order" toilets. And maybe a liquerstore. No, wait... The Strils make that themselves...

Many strils drive around and listen to loud country music, these people are known as "rånere", they often show up in larger groups and think that they are cool. The "råne" culture is to some degree related to street racing culture from USA and Japan. But though inspired by the real street racing, the similarities are few and far apart..well actually ther are none. Instead of driving fine tuned and good looking cars the "rånerne" drives piece of shit Volvos, Opels or some other lame car. And you will rarly find an actually tuned car, usually the only modification made will be a oversized spoiler on the back. In the most extreme cases people have been stuck trying to drive through a tunnel due to a way to big spoiler. In the worst "råne" infested areas the "rånerne" won't even drive a car, but tractors and maybe even lawnmowers.

In Holsenøy you have the famous places of:

Hjertås; People driving by claim that they've seen HUMAN life there.
Meland; The church is up here.. I think..   And the famous Dalesvingene, is the most killing road-turns in Norway.
Rossland; The King of Holsnøy is found here, If he's not at his lover's house at Skjellanger.
Skjellanger; People out here are psychopatic and cold-blooded farmers
Tveit; (where WoW was invented by Stian Bjuuutiful) aka Sleeping luma Bjoti

See also[edit]