Baby baking

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“There's nothing better than a hot juicy baby-kabob from Steak 'N' Shake”

~ Oscar Wilde on where to find the best baked babies

Baby-baking is a very enjoyable hobby for the whole family and the Pope and requires nearly no cooking skill. However, as with most meals, you should always exercise extreme caution when baking a baby. Remember, babies have feelings just like you and I. These feelings often affect the inevitable taste. Sad babies make for sweeter babies, where happy babies have sometimes been said to have a tangy sour twinge to them.


The act of baby-baking was first attempted by Sore Anus, self-proclaimed caveman and inventor of shaken-baby syndrome. His recipe, when followed correctly, yields a perfectly proportioned baby smoothie, which is known by many Republicans (including Jesus) to be tasty and nutritious. It has been speculated, however, that baby pancakes and baby-kabobs were being produced far before Sore Anus’ endeavors. Even though it was soon suggested by Mr. Obvious that baby-kabobs were capable of causing puncture wounds in the consumer, baby continued to appear in many pre-American delicacies. Sore Anus was later taken to court on charges of public obesity and irritation. His only response was, “I just wanted to have something other than eggs for once!”

Babies have also been served with lettuce and tomato juice, but the public did not respond well to the use of these condiments to mask the flavor. However, to this day, there has been no public outcry against the preparation of babies for consumption. Excepting the aforementioned case against Sore Anus.

The Basic Baby Recipe[edit]

Younger babies have more nutritional value.

The first thing you will need to do is to obtain a baby. If you are currently raising an infant, then you're all set. Expectant? Induce labor with a broomstick, hammer, or Oprah reruns. If you do not have immediate access to a baby around the home, borrow one from the neighbors; they should be glad to help you with dinner.

Many recipes will tell you to preheat the oven to 360 degrees, but we want to avoid hurting the baby in the process. A temperature of around 1080 degrees should numb the nerve endings and insure that, after a certain point, the baby will not be in pain.

Now locate all orifices on the baby’s body. To add a little flavor and prevent leakage, plug the holes with your favorite vegetable; carrots, celery, broccoli, missiles, and George Bush work well. Afterwards, it is suggested that you cover it in saran wrap or a similar material to seal in any natural juices that may be present in the baby. Dry baby lacks the flavor of juicy baby, and the consumption thereof is considered uncivilized by some cultures.

Next, place the baby in a 10" x 16" baking tray. We want to keep the baking process as humane as possible, so make sure to poke tiny holes in the saran wrap so that the baby is able to breathe. Remember, suffocating a baby is illegal in most states, chiefly those in the Bible Belt.

Pop the baby into the oven, close the door and wait. After a few seconds, the baby will most likely begin to cry. This is perfectly normal, and it will get used to the intense heat and stop crying soon. If crying continues incessantly, toss a pacifier or a bottle of milk into the oven with the baby or pop another carrot into its mouth. In the rare event that this does not work, try to soothe the baby with a pleasant-tasting mixture of kerosene and sandpaper.

The resulting baby goop can be made into a variety of exciting meal options.

About fifteen minutes later, we get to have a little fun. Gather up the kids and grandparents. Depending on the baby's complexion, its brain will pop out through a spot in the back of its head. The saran wrap will make sure that none of the baby is wasted and that the brains do not splatter the inside of the oven. Cooking should always be a sanitary experience for everyone involved.

The baby's skin will begin to melt after about an hour and a half. Don’t remove the baby yet. After about three to four hours, you will notice that the baby has become a mass of soft goop, comprised of its skin, muscle fibers, and internal organs (which will probably cause chunks to form), that spreads evenly about the tray. The bones will also poke out, but we’ll remove those later. You'll know when to remove the baby when the goop changes in color from a soft peachy pink to a light red. Sometimes, a few bubbles may appear on the goop. This is normal, but air pockets left in the goop after baking tend to ruin its flavor. Now, remove the goop from the oven immediately.

The first thing you may notice is that the goop appears a bit shiny. This is because a clear film has developed on top of the goop, which is no cause for concern; this is the baby's natural (albeit futile) defense against the extreme heat of the oven, as well as the plastic sheen of the saran wrap or similar material. Besides the goop, the baby’s bones will be clearly visible in the tray. It is recommended that you remove them from the goop with a pair of tongs at this point, but keep in mind that in certain recipes, the bones, when chopped and soaked in vinegar, can be used as garnish. Try and use your creative flair as a baby chef and prepare a completely different dish with the leftover bones.

Let cool for thirty minutes. Slice into 2-inch squares and serve with coat hanger toothpicks, mustard, and A1. Serves 80 or 40 twice. But beware, Protestants and Catholics! At some point during dinner, Santa will pop out of the baby goop and give you three presents of your choosing. But only if you really need it. Presents like a cure for cancer aren’t going to happen.

Enjoy your first baked baby, and be sure to try out our other exciting recipes!

Other exciting recipes[edit]

See also[edit]