Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike 2006
Saturday 16th April
12:15 - Contestants from France, Tuvalu and Canada begin a game of Spin The Bottle, within half an hour at least a third of the contestants are playing. Miss Japan kisses Miss Puerto Rico... with tongues!
19:00 - Opening number.
21:00 - Fireworks (moo)!!!
Sunday 17th April
10:00 - Press photo opportunity.
11:30 - First stage of the dance-off competition begins in the main hall. The contestants will be performing some of Stalin's favourite dances, such as break dancing and that one where you spin around a lot.
13:00 - Musical interlude from Johnny Rotten and the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
21:00 - Beddy time!
Monday 18th April
02:00 - Fire alarm goes off. Contestants have to stand in the cold while they wait for the fire brigade to get there. It turned out to be a party popper.
02:30 - Many contestants could not get back to sleep.
02:35 - Miss Ireland suggests nightcaps.
03:00 - The nightcap descends into a piss-up.
04:00 - Nine contestants are taken by ambulance to hospital for stomach pumping after severe alcohol poisoning.
14:00 - Late lunch.
18:00 - Random figure skating. Judge loses the award. Contestants feel they have wasted their time.
Tuesday 19th April
10:00 - Gawkers arrive and prepare to spend the next seven hours watching women with moustaches in swimming costumes. Many audience-members are from the developing world and do not know that pornography can be found on the Internet.
13:00 - Feminists from the Birmingham Unilateral Ladies' de-Defamation Youth Committee (B.U.L.D.Y.K.) protest against the demeaning nature of the swimsuit competition. Their protest takes the form of Street Theatre.
Wednesday 20th April
08:00 - The dog sled races begin nice and early, on Stalin's favourite day Wednesday. The contestants, grabbing dogs from the local park and tying them to ASDA shopping trolleys, take their marks on the outer ring of the city.
10:00 - While the race reaches its third lap, photographs of the contestants belly-buttons are shown to the judges to be, surprisingly, judged. The shock winner was Miss Belarus who won despite having an outie, proving once and for all that 'out is beautiful'.
12:00 - Burger King offers a Double Whopper for just £1. Everyone eats there, except the dog-racers; you better believe they're still doing that.
16:45 - Dog-sled race is finally won by Miss Belgium. All the other contestants are gutted.
17:30 - Boot show. All contestants were to have designed and made boots themselves from freshly clubbed seals. The show was won by Miss Germany, in her acceptance speech she promised to crush the Tyrant of Relativism. Einstein was scared.
21:00 - More fireworks. Why? Why not.
Tuesday 7th June
09:30 - President of the pagent committee wakes up.
10:00 - Whilst eating his breakfast he wonders what ever happened to that pagent...
10:01 - "Shit!" he proclaims to himself, "It's still going on, isn't it?"
10:50 - After an urgent drive to the hotel the president breaks into the contestants suite only to find they have all starved to death.
11:00 - Miss Belgium is declared the winner post-humously, as she was the first to commit cannabilism, which is what Stalin would have done.