Why?:Do I need to provide this?

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Can I help you, sir?

Hi, I have an appointment with Dr. Packs. Is the doctor in? That's excellent news. Can I go see him now? What? I can't? Why not? I have to fill out a form? Whatever for? Dr. Packs didn't mention that over the phone. Well, alright. If it's necessary, I'll fill it out.

Holy Toledo, is that a form or a dictionary?! ...I'm sorry, ma'am. Yes, I know it was a bad joke. I won't do it again. Still though, this is a lot of pages. Are they really that necessary? You're absolutely sure? *Sigh* Do you have a pen?

doo do do dum de do do dee do doo...

Uh... okay... weird question...

Another weird one... whatever...


Are you really asking me that? I mean, this is a little personal. No, you know what, this is very personal. I don't think I want to answer this. What's that? I have to answer it? But really, ma'am, this question... Why is it so important that I answer this? This question is asking me for some very personal information. Yes, I know he's a doctor, but I'd really like a reason why I need to answer this question. No, I won't just shut up and answer the question. Why do I need to provide this?

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"Sir, it's for your own good."

What? Just the first volume? Are you serious?

I realize this is probably in my best interest, but really ma'am, this question borders on disturbing. I can't see why anyone, even my doctor, would need to know this information. First of all, why would anyone even want to know the answer to this? Dr. Packs isn't some kind of pervert, is he? Yes, I did just "go there," ma'am; this question is growing more worrisome by the moment. I really don't see why I can't just skip this one.

Come now, ma'am, what do you take me for? You won't look at half of this stuff anyway. Why can't we just simply... ignore it? Please, ma'am, just hear me out. Will this question really give Dr. Packs anything useful to deal with? How can you be so sure? If I could just see him I'm sure I could work something out... He's with another patient? But I thought his morning was free! Are you sure I can't go in? ...All right, but please tell me why do I need to provide this? I really don't see why you would need to know this. This question is asking me for some extremely personal information that I really don't feel like giving out. Yes, yes, you've told me that it doesn't matter. But you know what, ma'am? It matters to me. So I'll ask you again — why do I need to provide this?

"Sir, the information you provide is necessary to form a complete—"

Why do I even bother coming here, anyway? All he says is "you need to lose some weight, son."

Listen, that's all just great, but I'm only here for a check-up! I've been through this before! I'm not going into a life-threatening surgery or anything. I won't need to provide next-of-kin or sign a general-release waiver. I'm pretty sure all he's going to do is check my pulse, weight, blood pressure, and cholesterol and tell me to lose a little weight while writing me up a bill that would probably bankrupt me if I didn't have insurance. It's certainly an unpleasant experience in and of itself, but the massive form and this... question in particular are making this trip more than the average foray into masochism. Ma'am, I just want to get this over with. But I must insist on knowing why I need to provide this when for all I can tell it won't be used at all! Please, ma'am, why won't you tell me? As the patient, I demand to know! I have a right to know why I need to provide this! I don't care if that's not in my insurance policy! I have a right to know! It doesn't make any sense why you won't divulge that information. I'd be much more willing to cooperate if only I knew why I need to provide this!

"Look, if you would just fill out the form and shut up—"

It makes no sense why you won't tell me why I need to provide this. There doesn't seem to be any logical reason that you won't. This is pretty suspicious, you know. What I'm talking about, ma'am, is that if there's not a logical reason for you not telling me, there must be an illogical one. Maybe the reason you won't tell me why I need to provide this is because if you did tell me, it would compromise your mission. That's right, ma'am, your secret mission to covertly and almost unassumingly weasel the information out of me under the thinly-veiled disguise of doctor's office paperwork! It all makes sense now!

Of course! I don't understand why I didn't see it before! It's all so clear to me now! You know how advantageous it would be to possess the information this question is asking. You already know my name: if my answer to this question was revealed at an inopportune moment, why, I could be ruined! Ruined, I say! I must admit I had suspected you of jockeying for power before, but this — this is beyond the pale! Your Machiavellian machinations have shocked me to the very core, madame. Miss. Miz. Apologies. Where was I? Oh, right. You leave me no recourse but to take drastic measures! Wait, hold on, what are you doing? Put that telephone down! I demand that you cease and desist at once, you scheming she-devil! Send a security detail? Ha! You think that will stop me? Now that I've uncovered your sinister motives, nothing will entice me to divulge the answer to the question whose reasoning for being you will not provide! Yes, that's right, call Doctor Packs in. Let us see what he has to say about your power-grabbing methods. Let us see how he reacts to your heinous actions!

"Finally, doctor, I've been buzzing you for a solid minute now!"

Your lab coat doesn't fool me, Doctor Packs! I can see the evil within!

At last, Dr. Packs! Your secretary — oh I'm sorry, "receptionist" — has crossed the line. What has she done, Doctor? Well, it's more like what hasn't she done! First of all, she gives me this massive amount of paperwork to fill out, despite you never once mentioning anything of the sort on the phone. And if that's not bad enough, the form is positively riddled with cleverly disguised attempts at tricking me into giving out highly personal information that isn't relevant to my visit at all! Doctor Packs, your receptionist even had the gall to pretend that she didn't know what I was talking about when I figured her out! And now she's called a security detail because I am supposedly overreacting! I ask you, Doctor Packs, is this any way for a good employee to act?

Whoa whoa whoa wait hold on. "Calm down and let's talk things over?" Surely you don't mean that! I need to answer the question because it's company policy? You're a family doctor! There is no company policy! Don't tell me you're in on this scheme too, Doctor Packs! I thought I knew you! You've checked my blood pressure! You've told me to lose some weight! You've checked my prostate! I thought we understood each other, doctor. But now I see you for what you really are — a schemer that's part of a grander conspiracy, aimed at finding exactly what this question is asking! Because if you knew the answer to this question, you could blackmail me for all I had! No, I don't trust you just because you're a doctor. In fact, I don't think you ever went to medical school! Those degrees on the wall were probably faked, in fact I'm sure of it! You'll never find out the answer to this, to be quite frank, disgusting question. Never!

Hey! Let go of me, you security goons! Unhand me at once! I am not unbalanced! If you knew what this "doctor" was planning to do with me you'd let me go! You may think you've won, sending these gorillas to haul me out of here, Doctor Packs, but I'm not finished yet! At least tell me the real reason, doctor. If you aren't a blackmailer, please tell me, before they slap me in a straitjacket! I'm begging you, doctor! I'm on my knees here! Please, just tell me why do I need to provide this???

See also

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