Mr. Natural
“He 'sez' use the right tool for the job.”
Mr. Natural (born Calef Euphadiah Natural, 1967- ) is, along with Bob Dobbs, the spiritual leader of the United States. His likeness appears in the United States in places from coffee cans to cough medicine (which should never be taken together, by the way).
Mr. Natural is a member of neither political party, nor has he heard of them. However, his chronic presence on the sidelines of national politics forces both parties to hew, or "truck," toward the center, and eschew fractious discourse in favor of a simple, clear message with wide appeal.
Though he has come to be associated with the use of marijuana and other semi-illegal substances, his actual message was advocacy of the state of mind to which he lent his name, the apocryphal "natural high," which one can attain without smoking marijuana at all, provided enough other people in the room are.
Description[edit]
Wikipedia describes Mr. Natural as "a mystic guru who spouts aphorisms on the evils of the modern world and the salvation to be found in mysticism." This is just as much crap as anything else you read there. In fact, Mr. Natural is a man of the people with unique wisdom on useful lifestyles.
Best friend[edit]
“What is this Diddy-wah-Diddy?”
Mr. Natural's closest confidant is Flakey Foont, a Bedouin whose birth name was Didier wah-Diddy. Mr. Foont presents a helpful counterpoint to Mr. Natural's point, and never suggests that he just conceal it by wearing a good hat.
Didier left the comics, in a legendary dispute with R. Crumb, and became a musician, specializing in the very narrow niche of urination rock. The reader of course knows him as P Diddy.
Other neighbors[edit]
The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers rent the house next door, and often do yard work for Mr. Natural. They accept a variety of modes of payment, including barter in natural herbs. While the Freak Brothers are hirsute, they are not authentically Furry; they eschew fur suits and do not go to conventions for furry sex nor consider themselves members of anyone's fandom, including Mr. Natural's.
Natural refinements[edit]
In time, the expression "Diddy-wah-Diddy" was shortened to "wa-wa." Both Physicist Dr. Richard Feynman and peace activist Otto Hahn said, "What is this wa-wa?" meaning watever-it-was. The result? This search for efficiency and economy was a key to the invention of the nuclear warhead, a move from which we all benefit to this day.
Such refinement reached its nadir at the Wawa convenience stores in eastern Pennsylvania, where candidate Mitt Romney would marvel that a sandwich could be assembled to order after a customer operated an electronic touch-pad. Mr. Natural himself was in the store at the time, and, assuming Romney clerked there, would have asked him for a binder full of "wa-wa."
Journalist Robert Whiting would go on to assert to his readers (both of them) that You Gotta Have Wa.