Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/Press Room/14

delivery!

this week's edition is ready for delivery...do we have any bots nowadays or are we relying on brave bored souls? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 03:35, September 20, 2009 (UTC)

You know what? I'll do it! And rock out to Neurosis in the process! —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:25, September 22, 2009 (UTC)

Alright, done. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 00:23, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

I still work when poked, i think... Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 03:13, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

nice! i plan on making the unsignpost a large part of my focus, so will you be consistently available every thursday/friday? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 03:25, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

I'm here most every Thursday and Friday, and I enjoy being poked. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 21:30, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

you still haven't properly apologized to old lady semple for what happened the last time you delivered the unsignpost! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 22:53, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

Maybe if she wasn't dressed like a whore, I wouldn't have raped her! ... Okay, that's a lie. I was bound to bound-and-gag that old skank sooner or later regardless. Still, her pussy was so loose she had to have been a whore. Or it could have been that she was in her 90s... That'd explain the cobwebs... And Jimmy Hoffa... MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 23:56, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

re-subscription

alright, helpful sub-editors, it's time to require re-subscription. if all of our robots have abandoned us and we're being forced to hand-deliver, then we should minimize effort wasted on editing talk pages of people who are long gone. i figure we can modestly trim the signup list. for example, starting right at the top: PieSoup hasn't made an edit in nearly six months, and his talkpage is clogged with back issues, making it a pain to load. so, for cases like this, i plan on removing him from the delivery list and leaving a note on his talk page informing him that if he does, in fact, read the issues left on his talkpage, then he can re-add himself to the subscription list anytime. this might not reduce hand-delivery time down to ten minutes, but it will be significantly less annoying. if there are no objections, i plan on doing this sometime thursday before this week's issue goes out. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 01:35, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

Yes. also, force anyone who has shittons of old issues to archive them or not get a delivery, thats what tends to fuck up the bots a bit. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 03:14, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

I thought we agreed this ages ago. You remember? Right after I lost my sanity. Boy that sure was a remerberable day. Because I lost everything that I was and had to start over. You remember, right? I'm not making this shit up!    Orian57    Talk   23:08 23 September 2009

um, right. actually, not only did we talk about it, but the list was actually trimmed back then also. so...good job everyone! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 23:41, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

Ah yes, I remember doing that back in those dark days of my youth. *shudder* Dreadful times, really. Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 02:27, September 24, 2009 (UTC)

Jesus Christ do you expect me to pay attention to every little thing that goes on here?    Orian57    Talk   07:16 24 September 2009

Just so you know, Gerry

I'm gonna try to write the UFFL update tomorrow, so save room for that when you single-handedly do the rest of the issue. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:23, September 24, 2009 (UTC)

jolly good. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 02:42, September 24, 2009 (UTC)

K, did it. It's really early in the morning and I have yet to eat breakfast and also my first class is soon, so if it sucks that would be why. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 12:45, September 24, 2009 (UTC)

You need someone to do a BioPic about?

I just noticed we don't have one for Col.swordman. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 21:36, 24 September 2009

hm, he doesn't seem to have been around for a month and a half. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 23:25, September 24, 2009 (UTC)

Maybe we should do it on me again. I am brilliant after all.    Orian57    Talk   07:35 25 September 2009

don't you know the rule? it's like fight club. no asking about being biopic'd. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 07:54, September 25, 2009 (UTC)

Who do think you are? Tyler Durden? No, you're far more like Marla. In fact that's what I'm going to call you from now on. Marla. Hey Marla, how about we do a Biopic on me again, Marla?    Orian57    Talk   07:56 25 September 2009

i think a breaking story about how little orian enjoys penis might be in the works... SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 08:16, September 25, 2009 (UTC)

NOOOOOOO!!! I'm not asexual!    Orian57    Talk   14:41 25 September 2009

did cheddarBBQ get one? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 12:16 September 25 '09

Stop referencing Fight Club when I've only just watched the movie for the first time yesterday. It's creeping me out! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 15:55, 25 September 2009

I watched it again the other day. It's awsome!    Orian57    Talk   16:06 25 September 2009

No, it's not, It's creepy. And its ending is.. weird? It's cool at the best, not awesome, in my uncared-for opinion. Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 20:35 September 25 '09

It's everything I like in a movie, inteligent, challenging, darkly funny, shameless and the fact that edward norton is in it really doesn't hurt. He's well fit.    Orian57    Talk   22:53 25 September 2009

another week, another mildly late unsignpost

can anyone deliver this week's issue? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 04:30, September 26, 2009 (UTC)

I call it! MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 15:53, September 26, 2009 (UTC)

I did it. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 16:39, September 26, 2009 (UTC)

Magical! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 17:16, 26 September 2009

thanks, dex! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:16, September 26, 2009 (UTC)

early delivery...?

hey gents, i've polished off this week's unsignpost on wednesday evening because i'll be unavailable most of this weekend. anyway, could someone do us courtesy of delivering? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 06:39, October 1, 2009 (UTC)

I think I got it to everyone. Sorry I didn't see this sooner... For some reason, it wasn't on my watchlist. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 20:36, October 5, 2009 (UTC)

Suggestion

How about having two or three users deliver each edition, so that it becomes less tedious and shit.. I mean, it's easy, the talkpages are numbered on the signup page, so each user gets like twenty fife or thirty or something • FreddThe Redd • • • 17:38 October 1 '09

that's not a bad idea. but it would involvve finding two or three users every week rather than one. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 23:06, October 1, 2009 (UTC)

so? at least try it this week • FreddThe Redd • • • 01:06 October 2 '09

Let's get started

I know it's a bit early, but can we start on the next issue? I need to make an article before I forget about it and get mad.-Almost Sir Random Crap

Go ahead and write it. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 20:57, October 5, 2009 (UTC)

yes, indeed. write it anywhere and bring it here for merciless hacking and possible inclusion. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 23:00, October 5, 2009 (UTC)

shot next delivery

I want to feel important... If I remember to check for a paper... Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 04:20, October 6, 2009 (UTC)

I took the liberty...

...of not only creating this week's UnSignpost, but writing a UFFL update story for it. Just letting you guys know. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:56, October 6, 2009 (UTC)

excellent. could you fellas try to finish the issue off this week? i will, in all likelihood, not be around to help. i'll try, though. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 23:14, October 6, 2009 (UTC)

Dudes, what if this week's issue went out...on time!? Holy Fuck! —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:09, October 7, 2009 (UTC)

Shut your mouth you blasphemer! Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 04:17, October 7, 2009 (UTC)

Thank you so fucking much Guildy. *grumble grumble* - ho scopato tua madre nel culo - 02:46,16October,2009

So it looks like this last week's issue isn't going to go out on time

I'll try and finish it, and maybe even deliver it before this week's issue become late, but the majority of my free time is being spent writing a midterm paper and working on my PLS entries. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:43, October 13, 2009 (UTC)

I might try to write the main article for the UnSignpost tomorrow. I hope someone else can take care of the stuff on the right. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:34, 13 October 2009

could we possibly....

add a rule that the page where one wants their unsignpost delivered must be safe for work? None of this crap like ape's page where I quite honestly won't end up delivering (when I rarely do deliver), unless I am by myself somewhere far away from all other people. -- teh pwnerator 23:21, October 13, 2009 (UTC)

I thought MrN had set up a bot to do the deliveries... doesn't that resolve the problem? Pup t 23:23, 13/10/2009

Not when MrN is gone for over a month. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:32, 13 October 2009

Nobody else can pick up the same bot, or ape it? (Okay, I know I can't, but just asking.) Pup t 23:34, 13/10/2009

Nope. Impossible. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:46, 15 October 2009

Just a thought...

But I think MacMania's 20+ feature deserves mention. If no one wants to write it I will. Just tell me when. Also, how would I go about getting a paperbot for you guys? (This is by virtue of my consistent activeness) • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Wednesday, 22:10, Oct 14

Perhaps we should save that for next week's (by which I mean this week's) Unsignpost. Also, perhaps we could combined this week's and last week's into one great big double issue of awesomeness to account for general lateness, and do that whenever the UnSignpost is unreasonably late. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:37, October 15, 2009 (UTC)

OK, saving it sounds good. But how do I get a bot? • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Thursday, 16:30, Oct 15

Go to Wikipedia:Wikipedia:AutoWikiBrowser, download the AWB and follow the instructions. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:41, 15 October 2009

That's what ya do. Basically you need to read up about AWB, and get it running on your PC. When you get far enough that it tells you that you can't actually save a page because your "BOT" is not enabled for editing on Uncyc... That's when you let me know on my talk page... ;-) MrN  Fork you! 00:20, Oct 16

Do I have to put in a request for registration or can I ignore that? • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Friday, 01:29, Oct 16

Um, no I don't think you need to do that. It looks like that's just restricted to Wikipedia. In other news, MrN is back! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 01:32, 16 October 2009

How about we make the next UnSignpost a 2001: A Space Odyssey themed one and I'll add a prelude to that in the current one in the form of a HAL 9000 biopic. Maybe the next issue can have a biopic on Dave Bowman then. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:24, 15 October 2009

Where Am I?

The only times I'm ever mentioned in the Unsignpost is when it's talking about how horrible my team is doing. - ho scopato tua madre nel culo - 01:54,16October,2009

I think we left you somewhere in Canada, while we sent you in to get some drinks at the gas station, and we ditched you and went to Cancun. Where the Wild Colins Are - LET THE WILD RUMPUS START! 19:55, October 16, 2009 (UTC)

Sad face. - ho scopato tua madre nel culo - 16:55,25October,2009

Is the UnSignpost dead?

I really hope not. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:46, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

UFFL Update Story

UFFL Update

Things are really heating up in the UFFL as midseason nears, and Week Six’s storylines were of upset, domination, and redemption. Led by Tom Brady, the always-solid New England Patriots Domestic Team Name blew out the hapless Tennessee Titans Winnerz by an insane 109.38 to 0 after choking down a hard loss the previous week. The ironically-named Winnerz, on the other hand, still have yet to win a game. After a lackluster showing last week, The John Curry All-Stars earned a solid win against The Dudes, unseating them of their erstwhile #1 ranking in the process. After starting the season 0-4, Cheddar’s Doritians earned their second consecutive win, albeit against the floundering Dibiase’s Millions. Finally, Sternensteinenstine resoundingly defeated Oklahoma City Storm 164.06 to 118.98 after a lackluster showing the previous week, catapulting the Nazi-run team back atop the UFFL standings.

In a look ahead to next week’s games, Sternensteinenstine looks to stay atop the UFFL rankings against a resurgent Cheddar’s Doritians, Domestic Team Name looks to retake the #1 spot against a very solid John Curry All-Stars, Oklahoma City Storm and The Dudes face off, and the bottom-dwelling dog-fucking last-placers Dibiase’s Millions and The Winnerz will look to see which one of them is shittier.

Standings:

1. Sternensteinenstine (5-1)
2. Domestic Team Name (5-1)
3. The Dudes (4-2)
4. John Curry All-Stars (4-2)
5. Oklahoma City Storm (3-3)
6. Cheddar’s Doritians (2-4)
7. Dibiase’s Millions (1-5)
8. The Winnerz (0-6)

—Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:08, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

Hopefully I'm not too late

IT'S OVER 25,000!!! Maybe.

By Electrified mocha chinchilla

Uncyclopedia just might make the mark of 25,000 articles. Sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow. Surely it's yet another milestone that only puts us that much more ahead of Wikipedia, Conservapedia, and Das Kapital combined in content. However, thoughts from the rest of the community on what this means for our beloved wiki have been varyingly expressed as joyous, apathetic, dismal, and downright nonsensical. "But even with 25,000 articles, we're still 65,000 short of being strong enough to fight Captain Ginyu," says the attractive Guildensternenstein as we stop him on his way to Planet Namek. Others offer real conversation of a possible reskin and doubts that the mark will actually be reached with Forest Fire Week sometime. Maybe.

Discussion started by an attention whore in Miniluv over the Welcoming Committee and their welcoming template(s) has sparked the particular attention of many Uncyclopedians, most of whom by their own admission have never read the welcoming template, HTBFANJS, BGBU, any of the other things the welcome template advises new users to read, or have heard of Uncyclopedia. The recent round of QQ'ing and debating over the alleged poor quality of Uncyclopedia, as highlighted in the last edition's piece about the end being nigh and a Poo Lit Surprise nomination, can come to a close. It is this writer's observation that Uncyclopedia is the worst because nobody cares about editing guides which make confusing acronyms. Obvious correlation is obvious.

On our final stop in our stroll through the Village Dump, to your left you will see that a n00b was just kidding, jeez, and to your right you will see that Rockstar Games reads Uncyclopedia. In the former, users urge the poor fellow to read HTBFANJS and BGBU (the same ones that they probably haven't read). If anything is to be drawn from this, it is that true editing comes from within. Or something.

put my name in the report, i started those forums, you know (yes, i'm an attention whore) • FreddThe Redd • • • 06:13, October 21, 2009 (UTC)

Um... CW is after PLS. There hasn't been any official talk of another FFW... Dumbass. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 20:17, October 22, 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the correction, bitchboy. --Hotadmin4u69 ^[TALK] 20:49 Oct 22 2009

Fix your other fuck up, too, Douche Man. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 20:59, October 22, 2009 (UTC)

I tried to convince your mother, but at this point it's too late to abort you. --Hotadmin4u69 ^[TALK] 21:04 Oct 22 2009

---

Poo Lit Report

By Electrified mocha chinchilla

After giving the writers time to work on their pieces, and Modus taking time enjoying the disqualification of entries for failing the mandatory steroids screening, the 8nd Edition of the Poo Lit Surprise is in its final stages – judging. This is the time where writers who entered play with their genitals out of anxiety and nervousness, and attempt to bribe the judges with sexual favors and pie.

This PLS saw a great number of entries in the Best Alternate Namespace Article. The reasoning for this, some believe, is that everyone is utterly bat fuck insane and forgot how to write regular namespace articles. Despite being held just prior to the Turkey Day Ball and Forest Fire Week, the turn-out was overall not bad; Modus' corporate-funded campaign for the PLS is primarily to blame for this. Speaking of corporate funding, it was indicated that there will be prize money for this edition of the PLS despite Wikia's refusal to hook a brotha' up. All irrevocable blame for Wikia's unfortunate decision has been directed at Sannse for good reason.

Winners will be announced on the 26st of October. According to Modusoperandi, the next PLS is expected to be held, "When the next guy remembers it's late."

today's issue

well, i think i'll get back to unsignposting. it'll be easy, as there's already three articles in the press room that are ready to go. wait...three articles?? on time? what the hell has gotten into you people!? since i have an idea for an article explaining last week's lack of an unsignpost, this will end up being a bumper issue, and by that i mean there will be an exceedingly large number of pointless space-wasting boxes on the right to make up for the unheard of number of articles. pre-emptively, are there any delivery volunteers? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 20:11, October 22, 2009 (UTC)

Well, if THEDUDEMAN or MrN9000 can't deliver with their bots, then I could. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 20:14, October 22, 2009 (UTC)

i shal try now. its been a while, and i'm gonna have to reset everything up, but i think i can get it. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 21:02, October 22, 2009 (UTC)

righty then, the issue is ready. who wants to deliver it? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 07:20, October 23, 2009 (UTC)

9001 is on it... MrN  Fork you! 18:05, Oct 23

huzzah and thanks! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 23:20, October 23, 2009 (UTC)

I'm soo gonna cry now

I'm a good girl, but found that at least some numbers of the paper don't make it to my talkie page though I'm still on the subscriber list. WHAT HAPPENED? Who fucked up?! AND WHY AM I YELLING?! (I might be PMSing... dunno O_o) -- DameViktoria - (Contribs) - (Talk) - (Block log) 15:51, 23 Oct

our sincerest apologies. all paperboys have been fired and rehired at a fraction of their previous wage in response to this. also, we'd like to offer you free subscription for one month, and this complimentary unsignpost hand towel. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:40, October 23, 2009 (UTC)

Issue 69.

Get started writing it. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 01:34, October 24, 2009 (UTC)

I assume that I will be having a large part. MrN  Fork you! 01:36, Oct 24

"MrN in Fuck Orgy Eleven"? :P (couldn't resist) -- DameViktoria - (Contribs) - (Talk) - (Block log) 18:15, 24 Oct

"Far Corgi in heaven?" Pup t 19:21, 24/10/2009

Good to see someone else has indulged in strange works of comedic fiction. That was a fairly obscure reference, I thought :D -- DameViktoria - (Contribs) - (Talk) - (Block log) 05:25, 29 Oct

UFFL Update Story

In real sports, midseason is typically when “experts” make “predictions” about how “the rest of the season” will “play out,” and the UFFL is no exception. Here are this author’s predictions for the rest of the season, by team:

1. Sternensteinenstine (6-1): Already a game ahead and looking forward to a soft schedule in the coming weeks, Sternensteinenstine’s dominance of the UFFL will continue for the foreseeable future. In all likelihood, the Nazi Juggernaut will sweep the rest of the season with relative ease, become overconfident, take on the world’s largest nation by land area, and eventually be defeated by an international alliance in mankind’s most destructive conflict ever. Finish 13-1 (#1 seed), at the cost of 3.7 million casualties.

2. The Dudes (5-2): Facing a similarly weak series of opponents in weeks hence, The Dudes look to continue their winning ways. At about Week 11, though, they’ll run into trouble, and spend the rest of their season getting high. Finish 8-6 (#4 seed).

3. Domestic Team Name (5-2): A solid team built around consistent players, the team of housewives and aprons does relatively well the rest of the year, but gets screwed Week 8 for not having the foresight to draft a quarterback that doesn’t have a bye in Week 8. Finish 10-4 (#2 seed).

4. John Curry All-Stars (5-2): Another solid team, the All-Stars will play well for the rest of the season, but wane down the stretch when their manager loses interest in favor of watching hockey. They still make the playoffs, however. Finish 57-25-11 9-5 (#3 seed).

5. Oklahoma City Storm (3-4): OCS is a hard seed to crack. Despite possessing one of the league’s most devoted managers, too much depends on inconsistent and disappointing players at key positions, not to mention the team’s susceptibility to tornadoes. Finish 6-8.

6. Dibiase’s Millions (2-5): The victim of not one, but two running back busts, Dibiase’s Millions have been struggling all year to find their stride all year, and given the production of Matt Forte and Steven Jackson, will continue to do so. Finish 4-10.

7. Cheddar’s Doritians (2-5): Though they have won two of their last three games, Cheddar’s Doritans will more than likely miss the playoffs due to their slow start. Putting too much faith in one team probably doesn’t help, either. Finish 6-8.

8. The Winnerz (0-7): Ironically enough, the Winnerz can't win. Even more ironically, if the Winnerz could figure out how to select their starting roster, they wouldn’t be half-bad. Unfortunately, signs point to the team not being able to figure that out, at least for this and possibly next season. Finish 0-14.

—Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:05, October 29, 2009 (UTC)

We're so popular

Better than ED, of course

By Electrified mocha chinchilla

After having hit the 25,000 articles mark, it's worth knowing what other people think of this wiki as it's walking down the sidewalk in its high heels and short skirt. So here are some Google searches for hits on Uncyclopedia in the last week and what it came up with:

A Star Control II forum or something-rather found here remarks on Uncyclopedia's SC2 article and other entries. Lauding such as "Uncyclopedia rocks..." overshadowed the naysaying remarks about the wiki being immature and for poopfaced doo-doo heads. The most insightful comment, by a user dubbed "Son of Atares", says, "It definitely beats Enyclopedia Dramatica in terms of funny, but that really isn't saying anything at all." Agreed.

On a Polish forum for Polish things, Polish people, and Polish things that Polish people do, some Poles or something have a great laugh at Uncyclopedia making fun of their homecountry. One ED fangirl attempts to advertise her nonsense, only to be ignored over the lulz and tears shed from reading Uncyclopedia.

Finally, a forum for progressive rock fans also enjoys some laughs at the prog rock article and the article about their own forum. That guy from There Will Be Blood blatantly lies in an attempt to seem better than thou by boldly claiming, "Uncyclopedia is not funny." Our official response to this criticism? He likes Miley Cyrus. Been there, done that, got the genital warts. The last post to the forum by the gender-confused dinosaur Littlefoot from The Land Before Time reads, " I actually think the prog articles and ProgArchives pages on Uncyclopedia are generally embarrassing attempts at funny by people who do not understand subtlety or delivery in comedy." And then a smiley face, because I guess he pwnt us or something.

I'm a dick

Maybe you might mention that I'm a dick, how I ban all kinds of people all the time, let folks know they should be afraid of me. Cheers! Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:50, October 31, 2009 (UTC)

Or mention how Zim has a dick. Or how he has an obsession with glam rock. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 20:33, October 31, 2009 (UTC)

On more serious matters

I might be able to help out with to issue in the evening. I was thinking about biopiccing PuppyOnTheRadio. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 12:11, 1 November 2009

that would be great. i've had a no-time-for-uncyc weekend, but i'll definitely be finishing off whatever you don't get to on monday. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:46, November 1, 2009 (UTC)

way late delivery again

well last week's issue is finally done...can anyone deliver? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 22:00, November 2, 2009 (UTC)