Star Control II

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“I knew Orz. Orz was a friend of mine. And you sir, are not Orz, We are Orz! Orz are happy *people energy* from the *outside*”

~ Oscar Wilde on Orz

Star Control II is the second in a series of games made by pro-Earthist movements to stereotype every other sentient lifeform in the universe down to one, or at the most two, personality traits. The game focuses on the exploits of real life organization Star Fleet to protect Earth from perpetually better armed and motivated aliens, all of whom are basically human, with added forehead ridges.

An Ur-Quan as they appear in reality.


The evil Ur-Quan have conquered Earth! Despite Star Fleet's best efforts, their traditional Ur-Quan tactic of 'drop down, increase speed, reverse direction!' crushed all our defenses. As is also traditional, they imprisoned our planet in a giant red hamster ball, then they left for the edges of space to go find more cultures to leer at on their viewscreens while shouting things like "K'Plah!"

The mighty Ur-Quan war machine turned out to be far too powerful for most of the bickering races, due to their great number of crew members on each ship as shielding. One by one, races fell to the Ur-Quan assault. Unable to launch anymore shuttles into orbit because of the Hamster Ball, Earth spent the next few years rolling around the solar system and squeaking happily. Just when all seemed lost, a Human colony the Ur-Quan didn't know about re-entered the scene with a gigantic, unimaginably powerful ship known only by the strange writing on the side: Galactica.

The central plot relies on Galactica exploring the universe, meeting all the strange and wonderful alien culture, and then blowing a good 50% of them up, while pretending to surrender to the other 50% to get their military support.


Star Control II's greatest achievement and greatest failure was the extensive number of races documented in extreme detail, albeit with pro-Earthist stereotypes as a dominant factor. This made it too complicated and confusing for modern audiences, but earned the game three Certificate of Hitlertudes and a Rummy. It also led to large-scale riots by alien races unhappy with their portrayals.

  • Androsynth - Apparently a short-lived offshoot of humanity, the Androsynth's research into figuring out 'who let the dogs out' caused the unfortunate release of the Orz, who promptly shot the Androsynth and set up camp in their part of space.
  • Arilou - The Arilou are actually a race of snakes, living on a plane of reality higher than our own. When discovered, they send aid in the form of a fleet of 747s to your home base. Sadly, these ships are useless in combat, and can only be used to ferry prisoners to volcanos for disposal.
  • Chmmr: A coalition force of two humanoids who like crystal and metal respectively. They are panned as 'uber-pwning', so as to give at least one excuse for fans of the Star Control series to talk in l33tsp34k. Their affinity for construction material lead them to be represented as crystalline robots in the game, much to their chagrin. "Do We Look Like Robots?" they asked concurrently in monotone before returning to the stairs to protect humans.
  • Druuge: A race of enlightened socialist humanoids. Due to an economic dispute with the game creators, they were painted as horrible ultra-capitalists, their worst insult. Asked for response, Crimson Corporation CEO Bob Oinkers responded, "Capitalist pigs? BAH!" He then squealed loudly as he wallowed in a pile of gold.
  • Dnyarri: In the game, the Dnyarri are an evil race of toadies who enslaved the galaxy through psychic compulsion. They were left unchanged from real life.
  • Ilwrath: The humanoid Ilwrath race was portrayed as being a conglomoration of evil, devout spiders simply due to their habit of spinning webs and torturing sentient species. In real life, they are widely known not for preying on the Pkunk, but for praying for them. That is to say, they often pray for Pkunk for dinner.
  • Melnorme: A Race of humanoid traders with giant ears, the Melnorme were caricatured into starfish whose rare condition (orocruritimobus) causes their mouths to be part of their legs. They retain all their strange greedy impulses, constantly trying to screw you out of tangible goods by selling 'information'. Under pressure, the creators relented from drawing them as wearing Yarmulkes and using the introduction, "Shalom! We just finished eating goyish babies, and look who arrives?"
  • Mycon: These friendly wrinkly humanoid fellows were jokingly panned as quasi-sentient mushrooms. They didn't like fungus very much, but understood it was all in good fun. "Juffo-wup, haha," they said. "You can't just write this shit!"
Orz in their Grue form

*Orz: A fictional race that had its dialouge written by Oscar Wilde. His thought processes while writing the Orz were deemed so alien, even the universal translator doesn't understand them, resulting in wildly batshit insane conversations and words that don't mean anything denoted by asterisks. It should be added, however, that campers actually are juicy.

  • Pkunk: A violently new age cult humanoid culture, represented by the dodo bird. They were somewhat offended by their portrayal, but were not smart enough to be sure why. Then they went back to meditating, and it was cool, man.
  • Shofixti: The most violently offended group of aliens were the humanoid furries known as the Shofixti. The game's creators hired Danish caricaturists to represent the race with a picture of their prophet, flying a ship with a giant bomb strapped to the bottom.
  • Slylandro: The Slylandro community was abhorred by their portrayal in the game, with widespread riots spreading across the clouds of their planets to no discernable effect. In real life, Slylandro probes don't kill people; they simply do telemarketting.
  • Spathi: A race of cowardly coward humanoids, the spathi were drawn as like, a clam with an eye stalk. Naturally they were offended, but too timid to do anything about it, like an alien France.
  • Supox - In real life, the entire life cycle for these plantlike creatures revolves around finding a host, attaching to it for life, and mimicing it at every turn. Approximately half of Uncyclopedia's editors are native Supox. In the game, the Supox were modelled after a bean sprout salad that an artist ate for lunch. As a consequence, they had about an equally major role in the game.
  • Syreen: The purpose of these sultry blue-skinned females was to boost the ratings of the franchise by giving the the captain space chicks to flirt with in the middle of the game (see Star Trek).
  • Thraddash: These tusked, ostreparous mammals live in the Draconis cluster. Their civilization, wiped out many times as stated in the game, did not, however, stumble accidentally into the afterburner. Instead, the afterburner was the natural progression of technologies from barbecue grill to flame thrower to rocket pack to flame-throwing-rocket-pack-barbecue-grill to afterburner. Their gun is known as the "plinker".
  • Umgah: Portrayed in the game as practical joking, bioengineering blobbies, they are in fact practical joking bioengineering blobbies who wear pink ribbons. This error was corrected in Star Control 3.
  • Ur-Quan: - After successfully conquering the galaxy, the Ur-Quan race turned to peaceful philosophy. This lasted about sixteen seconds, after which time a philosopher by the name of Kohr-Ah decided that fucking burying other races didn't mean to stick them in a giant hamster ball, but rather to fucking kill them, instead. This internal debate grew so harsh and so heated that the Ur-Quan decided to split their race into two colors (mint and licorice).
  • Utwig: The Utwig race has a long and noble cultural history, but had the unfortunate luck to end up with a face that closely resembles that of Michael Jackson. As a consequence, the designers thought it best to draw them as always wearing masks and being terminally depressed.
  • Vux: A race that was created by using the DNAs of a platypus, an anorexic moose, a squid and an unripe banana. They're very open minded, and are sexually attracted to every single race in the universe. The designers gave up on trying to be innovative and modelled them after how they actually looked.
  • Yehat: The Yehat race was modelled after the popular Pkunk band, "Awwka Yehat Kwaak!", which means "Pterodactyls of the Happy Spheres." Little known fact: The entire Yehat race was voiced by none other than "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin.
  • Zoq-Fot-Pik: (This post has been removed by the administrators. Please get the permission of both Fox and the Intergalactic Frungy Association before reposting.)

Critical reception[edit]

Critics almost universally hated this game, but due to involvement by Oscar Wilde, they were afraid to give it below a 9.5. The game almost universally has a score of 9.5 for that very reason.

See also[edit]