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- 1 million BCE - Cthulhu invents Christmas, when bored.
- 1856 BCE - Black people start writing.
- 1855 BCE - Brown people begin developing a complex society.
- 1854 BCE - Yellow people begin the study of astronomy.
- 1853 BCE - White people start painting their arses blue.
- 1087 - St. Clittorus gets really pissed because she was promised to have this day named after herself but totally got screwed over.
- 1123 - Pope Callistus II declares the sainthood of St. Dildo.
- 1284 - The Pied Piper lures 130 children of Hamelin away. Piping hot pies are soon outlawed.
- 1718 - The Tsar's son suspiciously turns up dead after he is sentenced to death.
- 1721 - Cthulhu invents Boxing Day for his loyal swarming masses of nightgaunts.
- 1895 - After an attack on the wooden bridges of the Canadian National Railway by beavers, repair crews work haphazardly and accidentally invent the roller coaster.
- 1928 - A cyclone hits Coney Island and completely twists its roller coaster out of shape. No-one notices for 27 years.
- 1963 - John F. Kennedy gives his famous 'Ich bin ein Selbstgeschlechter' speech.
- 1981 - Tom Cruise brings to life a Giant Tampax that the science world predicts would kill him exactly 24 years later.
- 2005 - Tom Cruise is killed by a regular Tampax in an ironical twist of fate.
- 2005 - Richard Whiteley dies after finally unscrambling the conundrum PIANOMENU.
- 2021 - The 'this is today' gag is used for the first time in history.