UnNews:Witherspoon may have Alzheimer's
| The news outlet with approval higher than Congress | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 02:17:59 (UTC) |
| Witherspoon may have Alzheimer's | 
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23 April 2013
ATLANTA (Or Thereabouts), GA – It is feared that Reese Witherspoon, another aspiring Hollywood alcoholic, may be suffering from stage one of Alzheimer's disease. After her drunken husband, Jim Toth, and she were stopped on suspicion that Toth was driving while intoxicated, Witherspoon did not seem to know where--or even who--she was.
Sergeant Trooper First Class J. Pyland, the arresting officer, said that Witherspoon was hanging out of the automobile's front passenger window, yelling, "You're not a real cop! You're just a two-bit extra, and, after tonight, you won't ever work in Hollywood again!"
He had "messed with the wrong redneck," Witherspoon told him, and, now, as a result, he would be "in the national news. There's nothing more disgraceful than that!"
The trooper told her that she was not on a Hollywood lot, but on an Atlanta street, in a car whose driver was clearly impaired and a hazard to both himself, Witherspoon, and other motorists and passengers.
"This isn't a movie?" the blotto actress asked.
"Initially, I just thought she was drunk out of her skull," Pyland told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies, "but, now, I think maybe she has Alzheimer's."
"I'm not a shrink," the trooper admitted, "but she sure seems to show all the signs of severe memory loss. She didn't know where she was, what she was doing, or even who she is. She kept asking me, 'Do you know my name'?"
Dr. Hy Mann, a psychiatrist at the renowned Maypo Clinic in Topeka, Kansas, agrees with the trooper's tentative diagnosis. "Witherspoon's behavior demonstrates all the signs of stage one of Alzheimer's: becoming confused in familiar places, mood and personality changes, and lack of concern for personal hygiene and appearance." The latter symptom could explain both the blonde bombshell's slovenly dress, elongated chin, and dirty-brown hair color." In her mug shot, the psychiatrist said, "her hair looks so dirty that it could have been dyed brown."
Witherspoon said she had intended to write a public apology, exonerating her crude behavior, but added, "Oops! I forgot!"
Both were arrested on the scene, Toth for failing the field sobriety test, Witherspoon for failing the personality test.
The criminals are due in court next month for sentencing, if Lindsay Lohan's attorney is available to represent them.
"She needs help, not punishment," Witherspoon's agent, husband Jim Toth, contends.