UnNews:UnNews Arabia bureau quits
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| UnNews Arabia bureau quits | 
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16 July 2016
WIKIA CITY, California -- In the wake of the massacre known as the "Nice attack," the entire UnNews Arabia bureau has walked off the job, claiming that the competing demands to make articles relate to real-world news and add original comedy that does not sound like advocacy are impossible in today's world. Senior UnNews Editors asserted, on their way out the door, that real life is so ridiculous that it is flatly impossible to ridicule it. The mass protest would be the biggest UnNews rage-quit since 2013.
The stock Keystone Kops strategy has become impossible. When a guy named Muhammad unleashes a hail of bullets in a gay nightclub in Orlando, calls 911, states Allahu Akbar, and notifies the Duty Sergeant that he is engaged in jihad for which he claims his 69 virgins (or raisins, depending on the translation), and ISIS claims credit — and the Attorney General responds by declaring that his motives are still ambiguous, pending a study by the incorruptible FBI, and the President scolds Americans not to pre-judge people like the shooter just because of his skin color, unless they are policemen — these Editors say it is impossible to write parody that does not sound exactly like the truth.
Indeed, editors say they were warned that any comedy strategy suggesting that the U.S. leader cannot lead — and the opposition cannot oppose — would be violations of Poe's Law, which warns that extreme depictions of extremism read not like humor but extremism. Such dispatches would be met with immediate detention, presumably in Baltimore, and no one wants that.
The Hogan's Heroes approach likewise fails, given the obvious fact that a squad of suicide warriors will lack experience. With a rented white van loaded to the roof with grenades and other weapons, the novice driver's inability to control the urge to plow into pedestrian infidels — tipping his mayhem hand well before driving to the location of his ultimate attack — has no comedy handles. There is no way to portray him as stupid and yet not seem to be writing truth as opposed to comedy. Departing authors say the Editor-in-Chief insisted: "You can't make this stuff up."
Some of the departing editors had booked flights to London, where the aftermath of Brexit remains hilarious.