UnNews:Ukraine bans bad Christmas music

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16 December 2022

John wanted peace. Zelenskyy wants peace. Maybe the only way to get it is to assassinate all of Ukraine?

KYIV, Ukraine -- As the war with Russia continues, President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has banned the John Lennon song "Happy X-Mas (War is Over)" for this year's Ukraine holiday season, along with a few others.

"Even though he is my favourite Beatle, I still had to ban it." Zelenskyy stated. "I will say, it is better than Paul's 'Wonderful Christmastime'. But don't worry; we banned that too."

Little Ukrainian children unwrap AK-47's and hand grenades this Christmas, instead of the latest Call of Duty — now they can play the real thing by joining the home front on Boxing Day.

As of the moment, the Ukrainian forces have been playing holiday music to distract and thwart the Russian invaders, similar to how the New Zealand government played Barry Manilow to break up protesters. However, many of the Russian soldiers have begun to sing along — with some even devoting night raids to karaoke night. Even tank drivers have joined in on the holiday spirit, with what civilian eye-witnesses could only describe as a 'convoy conga'.

The following is a conversation caught between two opposing forces.

Russian soldier: "Can you play 'Last Christmas' next?"

Ukrainian Special Forces DJ: "No, that song sucks!"

The reasoning behind the banning of the Lennon classic varies. At first, Zelenskyy said it was "because it's a bad song, and isn't really about Christmas", while later was heard saying that it was actually "since the war isn't over, we don't people to play it and get the wrong idea."

Along with the two former Beatles' solo tracks, other banned songs include:

  • "Die Hard" by Bruce Willis;
  • "White Christmas" (due to short-changing the Black, Asian, and Hispanic Christmases); and
  • Everything by Mariah Carey and Burl Ives.