UnNews:U. S. military training accelerated

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28 February 2007

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Soldier demonstrates The Shaking of the Fist combat technique (incorrectly, as it turns out)

WASHINGTON, D. C. - As the U. S. military’s presence in Iraq becomes increasingly untenable and the Middle Eastern country’s democratic government teeters upon collapse and civil war, President George Bush has responded by accelerating the training of America’s fighting forces, ordering them to skip their regular training and rush, more like firefighters than military personnel, into Iraq.

In fact, many Marine Corps and Army units are being trained as they are flown from military installations into their assigned combat zones. In addition, more female drill instructors and drill sergeants are being used to train the nation‘s fighting men.

“We’ve cut training to the bare bones,” Army Staff Sergeant Donna Myers told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “For the typical soldier, training used to extend to sixteen weeks--eight weeks of basic training, followed by eight more weeks of advanced individual training. Now, training lasts most of the duration of the soldier’s flight to Iraq--about 14 hours.”

As a result of the accelerated pace of the soldier’s training, Myers divulged, “soldiers are typically taught only four combat techniques.”

First, the fighting forces are taught the most basic combat technique, known as The Shaking of One’s Fist at the Enemy Combatant. Myers said that trainees are taught to raise their arms, bending their elbows, so that the curled fingers of their hands are facing toward them, just to the lower right of their jaw lines (or to the lower left of their jaw lines, if they happen to be left handed). The fingers should be curled tightly, not loosely, she said, with the top portion of the thumb along the index and middle fingers. Then, the soldier is instructed to shake the forearm and fist vigorously back and forth within a five-inch span, repeating the gesture 10 to 12 times.

The second fighting technique is called The Flipping of the Bird at the Enemy Combatant, and is performed, trainees are taught, in the same manner as The Shaking of One’s Fist at the Enemy Combatant, except that, rather than being curled into a fist, alongside the other fingers of the hand, the middle finger is raised erect. The soldier then shakes the forearm and fist vigorously back and forth within a five-inch span, repeating the gesture 10 to 12 times.

Soldier demonstrates The Stomping of the Foot combat technique

The third combat technique is known as The Stomping of the Foot. This technique is executed by bending the knee so as to raise the foot a distance of approximately six inches from the ground and then extending the knee again in a quick, downward thrust so that the heel of the combat boot strikes the ground forcefully. This technique may be repeated several times for effect.

The final technique is the same as the previous, except that the soldier also frowns severely as he executes the foot stomp. For obvious reasons, this technique is known as The Stomping of the Foot While Frowning. Like the regular foot stomp, this technique may be repeated for effect. According to the Pentagon, this fighting technique is "devastatingly" effective.

According to Myers, however, the military forces have had only “limited success” in conducting these combat maneuvers on the battlefield, and it may be necessary to supplement them with training in the use of such “heavy artillery” techniques as The Tossing of the Beanbag or even the much deadlier Shooting of the Spit Wad, which "could put someone's eye out."

Critics contend that "incomplete training" is jeopardizing the effectiveness and safety of American fighting men by “slamming them into a hostile environment with insufficient combat skills.” These troops should receive extended training in a desert environment using “traditional weapons systems, such as rifles, machineguns, mortars, heavy artillery, missiles, tanks, and rockets,” such critics claim. However, the president replied to these concerns, “There simply isn’t enough time. Our battle plans don’t allow training for the troops. Besides, actual combat will provide all the ‘training’ our men in uniform require to fill the nation’s military cemeteries.”

Congress passed a resolution calling for American military forces to be deployed to Disneyland, where Boy Scouts will take over the task of training them for combat.

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