UnNews:Trump visits Waco and pays homage to cultists

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Saturday, June 10, 2023, 17:41:59 (UTC)

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27 March 2023

The leader of the Branch Donaldonians addressed the cult following.

WACO, Texas -- Former U.S. President Donald Trump told a rally of supporters here that the federales are set to conduct another "bloody attack" on him.

Trump spoke at the edge of a crater where the former Branch Davidian Complex stood, until a federal child-welfare operation in 1993 featuring armored vehicles and flame-throwers. The cultish sect, now the Branch Donaldonians, paid rapt attention to remarks that opponents would later call "rhetoric of toxic orangeness."

Trump said, "Forces are coming from Manhattan to crucify me for speaking the truth about the 2020 Presidential election," referring to Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, who is preparing papers to argue in court that paying hush money to a porn star was a felony more important than any old statute of limitations. Trump repeated his claims that he won in 2020, the American Rescue Act was never passed, and gasoline is still two bucks a gallon.

"I am the most persecuted man since Jesus," he said. "We are the chosen Republicans. I have cast out all those who refused to follow you with my leadership. We are here to remember David Koresh, the first victim of the Clinton Deep State. The FBI shot them down like dogs."

Trump promised that the Branch Donaldonians would "extract revenge" when they returned to power. He said he had a long list, which presumably includes Ted Cruz and other Texas Republicans who hung out signs reading "Gone Fishing" when Trump was assembling a Texas campaign force last week.

David Koresh inspired multitudes to follow in his bootsteps.

"Once we have dealt with the Clinton Crime family and the Hunter Biden porn squad, it will be the turn of everyone who has ever told you that I lied. Now Hillary Clinton's lawyers are sending each other anthrax to discredit me. They won't succeed." Regarding the suspicious envelope recently sent to Bragg, Hillary had no comment, only traces of powder on her fingers. Husband Bill had a little around the nostrils.

"This may take time, but I can tell you that once we are finished, America would have been saved."

Refusing to take questions from the press, Trump spoke to Fox News anchor Sean Hannity. "You know Sean, I am a very generous man — if indeed I am just a man now. If I say I will do all these things, then I will."

The crowd cheered and happily gave their credit cards to be swiped.