UnNews:Sanders loses NY, moves to Cuba

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:41:59 (UTC)
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20 April 2016

"I’ll be 90 years old soon," Castro told the Politburo. "Soon I’ll be like all the others," he added, a clear reference to rigor mortis, as he recommended they recruit Sanders.

LA HABANA, Cuba -- Self-described socialist Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, in the wake of his trouncing by Hillary Clinton, has announced he will move to Cuba.

Sanders could take over for socialist strongman Fidel Castro, who recently told the Cuban Politburo he is about to die. He advised Cuban leaders to recruit a new leader to continue his same policies and inspire the impoverished nation, "unlike my no-account brother."

Sanders' announcement is in response to a suggestion by hedge-fund manager Anthony Scaramucci of Skybridge Capital. He recently said that he would advise Sanders to move to Cuba, not that Sanders takes advice from bankers. Sanders' stock campaign speech is about Hillary's servitude to Wall Street and of the need to break up the banks before they get "too big to fail." Unfortunately, the U.S. did exactly that in 2010, with the resulting regulation causing banks to merge into bigger banks and impose huge new fees to pay for it. Sanders also proposes that college be "tuition-free." The U.S. did that too, with subsidized loans, leading to higher tuition, a surge in majors in Gender Grievance Studies, a wave of Shakespearean taxi drivers, and student-loan debt that dwarfs the space program.

However, both these ideas are new for the Caribbean nation, which Scaramucci describes as "58 years of failed socialist policy and statism" — making it a perfect fit for Sanders, except that he is 74, and crankier. A new generation of Cubans has no memory of how romantic revolution is and has begun carping about salaries averaging $25 per month. Economists at the World Bank say the island needs a new firebrand dictator. It is an open secret that Raúl Castro has "no fire in the belly" — only hot peppers. Raúl is frankly unable to give a riveting three-hour speech on socialist ideology, even with ushers with machine guns ensuring that no one nods off.

Hillary beat Sanders, 58% to 42%, in Tuesday's primary election in New York State — a margin even larger than polls predicted. The drubbing means that Sanders urgently needs to look elsewhere for convention delegates. It turns out that Cuba has 600 delegates, though 540 are "super-delegates," as its entire Politburo will be in Philadelphia this summer to nominate a candidate and craft the Democratic Party platform. A change of residence from Vermont, with its 2 delegates both pledged to Hillary, might be just the gambit Sanders needs to get his campaign back on track.

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