UnNews:Pope trashes creationism

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9 May 2017

The creation of the universe (deity's rendition).

VATICAN CITY -- The Catholic Church, in a big break with Catholicism, has embraced the Big Bang theory of the creation of the universe. Jesuit brother Guy Consolmagno will host a cosmic confab of cosmetologists at the Vatican Observatory to finesse the Big Bang with the notion of Intelligent Design.

The Observatory was opened in MDCCCLXXXXI to dispel the unfortunate notion that the Church was anti-science, a belief that had stubbornly persisted ever since it jailed Galileo for life, four hundred years ago, for advancing the heresy that the Earth orbited the Sun. By all accounts, the Observatory conducts legitimate science, both verifying the celestial position of nearby planets and counting the pimples on the Man in the Moon.

The Catholic Church also gave us the Pew Research Center and many of the founders of MSNBC, both of which conjured up America's most scientific polls regarding man-caused runaway global warming/cooling, and placed this Science at the disposal of the nation's recent ex-President.

The current Pope, left-wing Argentinian Pope Francis, has already deprecated chastity, diligence, and rendering to Caesar only what is Caesar's, and is the perfect advocate to also trash the notion that God created the cosmos. He is fine with the notion that the universe is the result of a random explosion, albeit one designed by the same God who continues intervening in mundane events on Earth, such as ensuring that Notre Dame wins most of its football games, scheming for Planned Parenthood to lose its federal subsidy, and demanding that minor sinners say several dozen Hail Marys. He is a living God, running the world under living rules, in which everything is negotiable and Catholics can now get on The Pill and even eat meat on Fridays.

The upcoming conference aims to produce the best Science since Protestants realized that the "seven days" it took for God to create the universe might each have been billions of years long. The conference honors Monsignor George Lemaitre, who in MCMXXVII explained that the fact that all distant galaxies are moving away from us means that the universe is expanding, which means that God desires for us to have more head space. And pray the Rosary.