UnNews:Pope Mr Benedict Ratzinger XVI goes head to head with the Malaysian government

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17 January 2008

Pope Mr Benedict Ratzinger XVI in his kitchen thinking about a new bratwurst based feast.

VATICAN CITY, Vatican City -- Described by many as "The thinking mans' Pope", "The Papal Galileo", Joseph Alois Ratzinger, best known by his stage name Pope Benedict XVI, 265th and reigning Pope, the spiritual head of the Catholic Church, and as such, Sovereign of the Vatican City State is not inexperienced when it comes to controversy.

Not a team player

A somewhat reluctant member of the Hitler Youth described by Gunter Gott, his cub pack leader at the time and current Head of Marketing Strategy at Citroën as "not a team player, unenthusiastic, a bit sullen and unwilling to attend the mandatory weekend Jew-baiting games". He added "Joseph seemed a bit miffed when his Downs Syndrome cousin was cleansed. We put it down to teenage angst at the time, bless him.".

What's cooking ?

His Holiness Mr Ratzingers' best-selling cookbook Feast of Faith: Approaches to a Theology of the Kitchen (Ignatius, 1986) was criticised by Jewish and Muslim groups, the World Food Programme and the World Health Organization in a joint press statement as being "far too bratwurst based".

Pardon ?

A more recent controversy occurred when Mr Ratzinger XVI commented on the potential pardoning that followed the guilty verdict at the trial of Jesus where Pontius Pilate, governor of the Roman Iudaea province from A.D. 26 - 36, offered the crowd a choice between Jesus and a revolutionary named Barabbas. Of course, the crowd chose to have Barabbas freed and Jesus crucified, a decision Pope Mr Benedict Ratzinger XVI described as "rational and just".


Seconds out[edit]

Now however, Pope Ratzinger has decided to go head to head with the Malaysian government.

Tensions began when the Malaysian government announced that they had managed to obtain exclusive usage rights to the word 'Allah' in the modern Latin alphabet through the courts. The case depended on the argument that the term 'Allah' could only be used by Muslims in Malaysia, the so called 'get your own word, nah, nah' argument following it's usage to describe God in a Malay Catholic newspaper.

The Vatican responded by obtaining exclusive usage rights to the word 'Infidel' in the modern Latin alphabet through the courts on the basis that 'Infidel' can only be used by infidels.

Business plans in shambles

A Jemaah Islamiyah - Al-Qaeda in Asia spokesman has hinted that this may impact quite drastically on their plans to use Europe as a platform from which to launch operations. He said "Our legal department think that we may get into a lot of trouble in the courts if we don't take this ruling into account. It looks like we're going to have another look at our business plan for 2008".

The Malaysian government haven't commented on the 'Infidel' ruling but have announced that they are planning to sue the Unicode Consortium, Microsoft and Adobe amongst others for having codepoints reserved for the term 'Allah' as a test case to see whether the ruling can be extended to other alphabets.

Root Canal Analysis

Analysts have suggested that the root of the tensions between the Malaysian government and the Holy See, the central government of the Catholic Church, may be the Vaticans' position on the use of condoms which are of course an important foreign exchange earner for Malaysia, a major rubber producer. Experts point to the negative effects rubber exports have on the Vaticans' calendar and clock exports. The Vatican has a global copyright on all calendars, clocks, watches etc as part of their controversial bebop based birth control Rhythm Method popularised by the 1939 classic Charlie Parker album of the same name, a method that many Catholics have complained requires an unreasonable level of physical agility, understanding of complex rhythmic patterns and expense given the price of a decent Alto Sax nowadays.

Arabic speaking Muslim academics have written to both parties asking for an explanation.

Sources[edit]

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