UnNews:Pastor shoots up Capitol, Obama offers tips

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, January 22, 2025, 04:59:59 (UTC)
Pastor shoots up Capitol, Obama offers tips UnNews Logo Potato.png

29 March 2016

The President is a much better judge of strategy than of consequences.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Capitol was back to normal after an incident on Monday in which a man "drew what appeared to be a weapon and pointed it at officers." The incident occurred during routine screening, in which citizens choose whether to give up their First Amendment right to "petition the government for redress of grievances" or their Second Amendment right to "keep and bear arms." Capitol Police fired one shot and struck the gunman, Pastor Larry Dawson of Tennessee, who was taken to the hospital to get the bullet removed for proper recycling along with other lead items.

President Obama reprised the remarks he gave about communism in his recent trip to Argentina. "So often there has been a division between patient debate and shooting up a legislature. Those are interesting intellectual arguments, but I think your generation should be practical and just choose from what works. And I said this to Castro in Cuba." Mr. Obama has presided over seven years in which nothing has worked.

Rev. Dawson would have concluded that patient debate did not work as well as gunplay, having shouted to the House of Representatives last October that "I am a prophet of God." The House voted that the only prophecy of interest was that of the Congressional Budget Office. Although hastily leaving the balcony gallery and running away from police, Rev. Dawson was arrested, but he blew off a court date in November, writing that "I have been called chosen and sent unto you this day. I am not under the law!" which evidently worked for him. However, when he reappeared this week to ply his revised strategy, Capitol Police knew exactly who he was.

Mr. Obama declined to address whether Rev. Dawson is indeed a prophet of God. On the utility of bringing a handgun to the Capitol, Mr. Obama once famously told supporters that, "When your enemy brings a knife, you bring a gun." Of late, however, Mr. Obama has not been bringing either to the Capitol, but instead has been using a "pen and a phone" to pass legislation without anyone else's help.

The debate on tactics continues, however, with 44,000 Americans signing an online petition stating that it would be a good thing if delegates brought a lot of guns to Cleveland for the Republican Party National Nominating Convention, and the Secret Service casting the deciding vote that there will be none at all, which casts doubt on the associated campaign on #GoFundMe to buy guns for delegates.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Pastor_shoots_up_Capitol,_Obama_offers_tips&oldid=6172832"