UnNews:Opposition leaders' debate isolates Miliband

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17 April 2015

Ed stares on as he discovers the truth.

LONDON, UK -- During Class 7A's Class Captain Opposition Debate yesterday, Nicola Sturgeon, whom Ed Miliband had a crush on, informed Ed that she was a lesbian polygamist and was going out with Leanne Wood and Natalie Bennett. Ed had been looking forward for the chance to marry into a coalition with Nicola until she told him that his policies weren't sexy enough and anyway she was anti-austerity in the first place so there was just no way it could work out.

In the same debate, the big bully at Ed's school, Nigel Farage, embarrassed himself when he told the class audience that they were all left-wing nerds who wouldn't let him copy the homework off them. Ed repeatedly told Nigel to stop bullying all the Polish kids in the playground but Nigel's classroom assistant then took Ed aside and told him that Nigel was having trouble because his parents are currently homeless due to the immigrant caused housing shortage. Nigel got given a history test during the debate but got a grade E on it as he failed to recount a statement he had issued about his wish to privatise the NHS earlier on in his school career.

The cool kid in the class, Nicola, who was an ex-girlfriend of Nick Clegg before she discovered her true sexual identity, also attacked Nigel for bullying the Polish kids and her best friend Leanne Wood followed suite. Natalie, the nerd of the class, pointed out that she was an immigrant herself and she then told Farage that he should have revised more for the history test because then he wouldn't have failed.

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Two people were absent at the event, Nick Clegg, former cool kid, and David Cameron, who usually sits at the back of the classroom and never talks to anyone. After the teacher noticed they were missing on the register, Ed stared into the camera, his eyes began to swirl with a funny colour pattern and he said, "Well that's disgraceful, isn't it? Perhaps he doesn't want to be class captain next year."