UnNews:Obama goes to un-war

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11 September 2014

The President prepares for another round of 18 holes of Jihadi Whack-A-Mole.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. President Obama — on the eve of the anniversary of the September 11 attacks — told the nation he will send an additional 475 troops into Iraq. The President was undaunted by the re-emergence of the ISIS terrorist group and the hints that it enjoys striking symbolic targets on anniversaries even more than Batman's enemies used to.

Mr. Obama said that ISIS (Islamic State in Iraq and Syria) is "not Islamic" — as it mistakenly seems to think the Koran calls for beheading of infidels — "and not a state." However, the CIA assured the media that there is no chance ISIS will take that as a taunt.

However, in contrast to a week ago, when Mr. Obama announced, "We don't have a strategy" for countering ISIS, he disclosed in his nationwide television address that he now does have a strategy. "We are not going to be drawn into a ground war," he said. Secretary of State John Kerry insisted the U.S. is not at war with ISIS, as the action has "many different things that one doesn't think of normally in context of war" and could in fact be a bake sale.

On whether or not to call it a war, former President Bill Clinton, for his part, said that "it all depends on what the meaning of ISIS."

The new troops join more than 1000 already in Iraq, two years after Mr. Obama brought them all home, waiting for that fateful evacuation helicopter to arrive a moment before the terrorists swarm in, unless someone gets another order to "stand down" and Hillary Clinton has to be brought back to trot out a line about a YouTube video sparking a spontaneous riot.

The President stressed that the troops' mission is training and support and not combat. They will advise the Iraqi army on how to practice racial sensitivity, read combatants their rights, avoid bullying, and not over-react to being shot at. They will not constitute "boots on the ground," as they will remain overhead in bombers that cannot be shot down.

It is the first time U.S. troops have been sent into a war zone for the explicit purpose of avoiding war since the days of Vietnam. Network analysts were giddy. Jay Carney, who has moved from Presidential Spokesman to "analyst" at CNBC, said escalating a military force for the express purpose of not being drawn into further escalation is "breathtakingly innovative." CNBC hired Mr. Carney this week to help deny that the news network is biased, and thus there is no reason for a competitor to emerge claiming to be "fair and balanced" and if it did, it certainly would not attract an audience ten times larger.

Mr. Obama, who studied "a bunch of" American history in the Indonesian madrasa, said he is following FDR's policy: "Speak loudly but carry, say, a cigarette holder." The First Lady, seated behind the President, interrupted, "Smoking's not good for you, you know."

As the nation "voted for change" six years ago, and for even more change in 2012, there will be no discussion of "end-game strategy" and no "surge" designed to send a force to Iraq sufficient to get a job done with minimum risk to the troops. The question of Weapons of Mass Destruction is also off the table, as the U.S. continues to threaten economic penalties against Iran unless they switch off the centrifuges real soon. And the networks will not raise the question of whether the President has "gravitas."

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