UnNews:North Korean celebrations don't go as planned

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Democracy Dies with Dignity UnNews Saturday, June 10, 2023, 18:08:59 (UTC)

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1 January 2022

Kim Jong-Un's body double giving a speech to a group of food lovers.

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- A small nuclear exchange between the U.S. and North Korea has ended amicably.

Five minutes after the clock struck midnight in North Korea, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was not only celebrating the New Year, but also his tenth year in power, shockingly slim, some say emaciated. He partied listening to the latest K-pop band, BTS, with lots of strippers. By the after-party, which began at 12:32am, Kim and his military advisers were drunker than an Aussie bogan on a Wednesday night — heedless to the increased effect of booze on Kim's slender physique. The revelers got the notion to fill a nuclear missile with chocolate pudding, known to be a favorite of the man they call President "Tapioca" Joe Biden, and launch it to the United States as a gift. As the missile reached North Korea's current limit — international waters near Guam — the governments of the U.S. and Canada issued a "double lockdown", protecting their citizens against both the missile and the Omicron variant of coronavirus. In Mexico, the threat from narcotraficantes rendered this a triple lockdown.

U.S. Navy seals swam out and retrieved the warhead, full of now-melted pudding. Biden was not able to sample the delicacy personally, having been moved 60 miles underground to the Presidential nuclear bunker. However, from there, he launched a counterstrike using the Nuclear Football, after a bare minimum of clowning around. On his command, drones carried to North Korea one of his own personal favorites, DVDs with the complete series of Matlock.

Sadly, as when Biden's predecessor Barack Obama gifted Queen Elizabeth a set of DVDs of his own best speeches, the DVDs sent to Korea were coded for Region 1 and will be utterly unplayable by the recipient. Nor will they address the famine gripping that half of the Korean Peninsula — as, say, the pudding might have. Thus, foreign-policy experts expect relations to remain tense in 2022.


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