UnNews:Microsoft CEO gets bad karma

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10 October 2014

Microsoft headquarters now faintly smells of saffron and sandalwood.

REDMOND, Washington -- The new CEO of Microsoft has walked back controversial remarks on how women should behave on the job.

Satya Nadella had told attendees of the Women in Computing Conference that not asking for a raise would lead to "good karma" — that such conduct would "come back" to the employee, though surely not as fast as Nadella's own remarks have come back to him. Nadella hastily twerked as follows: Was inarticulate. Am entering rehab.

Microsoft employees have been on edge since Steve Ballmer resigned in favor of a starting role in the NBA and left the company in the hands of the Indian executive. Small statues of gods in the form of monkeys and elephants have started to appear in the windows of the offices of software writers. However, female employees have resisted the suggestion that they walk several paces behind their male counterparts.

Attendees say Mr. Nadella's appearance at the conference went downhill shortly after he referred to annual performance reviews as "nagging me for a raise." Stand-up nag Sarah Silverman has called for federal bureaucrats to review women's salaries, and not just police nudie pin-ups that create a "threatening work environment." She says that every day that passes without such a vast new bureaucracy constitutes a "vagina tax," and says a "penis tax" would be more appropriate, seemingly unaware of the institution of marriage. But a Microsoft spokesman said that Obama-care and other workplace laws already mean that job interviews now identify possible malcontents rather than people who might be able to do the actual work.

Microsoft's main compensation strategy does not rely on karma but on lobbying for "comprehensive immigration reform," as Mexican workers do not nag their bosses for raises, nor do most of the other things normally associated with workplaces.

Sources[edit]

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