UnNews:Michigan State rebrands athletic teams

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23 October 2023

Carpenters have not yet removed the deprecated "Spartan" from the scoreboard, but it displays the new mascot.

EAST LANSING, Michigan -- Michigan State University's athletic teams will henceforth be known as the "Nazis".

On-campus focus groups determined that the previous nickname, "Spartans", was offensive to Greek people, as it portrayed them as obsessed with conquest, in possession of weapons, and having large noses.

The school's green and white colors will also change.

The focus groups briefly considered but rejected the "Molestors", to commemorate the university's heritage of notorious athletic trainers.

The agricultural college rolled out its new nickname to the Big Ten Conference Saturday, taking part of the sting off its 49-0 drubbing at the hands of cross-state rival University of Michigan.

MSU athletic director Matt Larson was unconcerned that the change will feed a wave of anti-Semitism, given the recent massacre from Gaza. He said, "After all, we're a hundred miles west of Dearborn."

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