UnNews:Lord Jesus Christ (his real name) hit by car

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:31:59 (UTC)
Lord Jesus Christ (his real name) hit by car UnNews Logo Potato.png

11 May 2010

Even in Massachusetts, dressing this way is just asking to assaulted.
Spork.jpg Parts of this article were originally sporked from MSNBC.


MMMMMBACON, Massachusetts -- The victim might have forgiven the woman who ran him down in a Massachusetts crosswalk, but police haven't.

Police say a gay Pittsfield woman has been cited for running down a man named Lord Jesus Christ as he crossed a street in Pittsfield on Tuesday.

The 50-year-old man is from Ack. Officers checked his ID and discovered that, indeed, his legal name is Lord Jesus Christ. He was taken to the hospital for treatment of minor facial injuries and later released, according to the local paper, The Republican.

Attorneys for Lord Jesus Christ told UnNews that, "we are currently pursuing this as a hate crime. Under civil law, we are allowed damages from the defendant, who in this case, was pursuing her extreme Atheist agenda, to the detriment of an innocent Messiah. We aim to prove the driver guilty of attempted homicide with a motor vehicle."

Brother Messiah Moses told UnNews, "of course, as a fellow Jew, I am especially disheartened by this state of affairs."

Muhammad was unavailable for comment due to a previous engagement, inciting Shia and Sunni Muslims to kill one another. The Buddha was completely mellow and unconcerned, calling the whole affair, "an illusion."

Sources at the Pittsfield police department told UnNews, "we're treating this as a gay bashing. You can't get away with swishing about like that in public, even in Massachusetts."

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Lord_Jesus_Christ_(his_real_name)_hit_by_car&oldid=5360103"