UnNews:Kids crash internet hunting for Jennifer Lawrence's breasts

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2 September 2014

Jennifer Lawrence:Collapser of World Civilisation.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- The internet crashed on August 31, as hordes of boys from 14 to 44 overloaded millions of websites searching Jennifer Lawrence+boobies+bush+Bitcoin. The second highest search that night was Islamic State+Executions.

The unloading of someone's secret stash of celebrity selfies saw scores of school rooms deserted by young teenage boys texting in 'sick' the next day as they absorbed the photos of Jennifer Lawrence, Kirstin Dunst and Kate Upton onto to their hard drives. For older celebrity nudey collectors, their inability to go to work was put down to 'internet stress'.

Speculation on who could be behind this 'dumping' has ranged from NASA, Vladimir Putin (to distract the world from Ukraine), and Aliens. Religious leaders say this 'pornification of society' has resulted in millions of people exposing their bodies on camera phones, which is apparently why Pope Francis refuses to have an iPhone to avoid unsolicited attachments from religious foundations.

"Us 14-year-olds came that close to shutting the internet down 'tits up," said one anonymous 14-year-old boy claiming to be posting from Antarctica. "Forget Julian Assange and the po-faced gang at Wikileaks with their boring stories about spying and killer drones! What my generation want to see is breasts and more. I am legally too young to do anything about it right now, but for all those older, sadder examples on chat, get off the internet and stop crashing my hosting website."

A number of women's groups have come out against the widespread porn leakage. Some say this just another example of how men are useless and so easily distracted by exposed nipples, bottoms, and vaginas. Said former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, "We're living in a sick fantasy society - invented by Geeks with relationship issues and impossible expectations in the bedroom."

Sources[edit]

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