UnNews:Ireland bans clerical child sex abuse

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18 June 2009

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Taoiseach Brian Cowen in the Dáil Chamber after the passing of the Bill.

DUBLIN, Republic of Ireland -- In what has been hailed as the most significant and liberal piece of legislature ever passed on the island of Ireland, the Irish Government has banned the sexual abuse of children by the Catholic Church. The bill was passed in the Dáil today. Sex abuse in itself had been banned in Ireland since the beginning of the State, but the Catholic Church had a "special position" within the Constitution, allowing it to overstep the law of the land as it saw fit.

The Taoiseach Brian Cowen declared on the passing of the bill, "We mean no disrespect to the Church which has kept this land safe from the Devil for 1600 years since the arrival of Saint Patrick. I fear I have already condemned my own soul to Hell for passing this piece of legislation. It is clear in the Bible, at least in the versions we have here in Ireland, that the Catholic Church can do what it wants to whoever it wants, as through it is the only way anyone can get into Heaven."

The Taoiseach then proceeded to recite forty Hail Marys as penance and lashed himself forty times with a length of rope. When asked what the Pope thought of the legislation, Mr. Cowen explained, "We contacted him about it on Twitter. He responded that it was none of his business. He then proceeded to call us "noobs" and went back to playing his favourite game, Halo."

The Pope, in less paedophilic times.

After a further ten minutes of rhetoric, the Taoiseach finally said something coherent. "This piece of legislation has been passed because the people want it. If the people want to go to Hell for going against the will of the Church, it is not up to me to stop them." The Taoiseach was referring to the release of a report a couple of weeks ago which detailed horrific abuse within Catholic Church run institutions during the twentieth century. Our reporter then asked the Taoiseach what other laws will be passed to protect children.

"I'm all for protecting children, but let's be realistic here. We will definitely incur the wrath of God if we pass any more legislation to impair the work of His servants. This piece of legislation is progressive and will propel us into the twentieth, if not the twenty first century, but we are not the Ottoman Empire. And yes, to preempt your question, I do believe the Catholic Church should still be allowed to use physical abuse on children, and murder, rob and sexually abuse any adults that they want to. They deserve it. They gave up their lives to God for Ireland, and Ireland is prepared to sacrifice some citizens for them."

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