UnNews:Invasion from Central America promises helpful new US crisis

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:35:59 (UTC)
Invasion from Central America promises helpful new US crisis UnNews Logo Potato.png

2 July 2014

The child invaders often arrive in their easily recognizable vehicles.

BROWNSVILLE, Texas -- A flood of youngsters from countries such as El Humidor promises a new crisis that will relieve American television watchers from the year's regular crises, whose Nielsen ratings have fallen off during their summer reruns.

Tens of thousands of unaccompanied children have flooded across the Rio Grande from Central America. Most seem to be under the tragic misconception that unauthorized entrants to the U.S. will be given free phones, EBT cards, and medical care, referred to not as invaders but as "dreamers" and "undocumented citizens," and promised a path to citizenship. A great many, inexplicably, think that there will be no pressure to learn English, drive in marked traffic lanes and wait for lights to turn green, get work, keep working for 40 quarters before drawing Permanent Disability, or wait for citizenship before voting for Hillary Clinton. Nearly all of them seem to be unaware that President Obama, who recently declared he intends to disregard Congress, did so only after completing the impenetrable border fence provided for in law.

The Congressional opposition was quick to react. Senators Ted Cruz (?-TX), Rand Paul (?-KY), and John McCain (?-TV) called each other wackos, and likely Presidential candidate Jeb Bush (?-FL) said that anyone who loves America enough to break her laws would have a place in his Cabinet. Freshman Kelly Ayotte (?-NH) repeated her award-winning tremolo cantata, "We can't win this fight!" Speaker John Boehner in the House of Representatives promised to go after Mr. Obama in the only way possible, after giving away the Power of the Purse last year: Not the messy business of impeachment, but a lawsuit. He believes there are still Reaganite judges somewhere in the federal judiciary who would order Mr. Obama to play fair.

Mr. Obama has asked Congress for $2,000 million to return the children to their native third-world hell-holes — not that he needs a vote of Congress to spend money — following a brief stay of a couple years in urban resettlement centers in "swing states." Sen. Ayotte, whose own lily-white state has for years been assigned African refugees by advocacy lawyers from Massachusetts, repeated her call for new efforts to "reach across the aisle" and "end partisan gridlock."

However, as well as four national sports, two baseball leagues, and more sports TV channels than other countries have channels, there are alternative crises available for Americans who are not interested in a border invasion. Namely, Mark Fields, who now runs Ford Motor Company, will get $5.25 million a year and a private jet. This is hundreds of times more than his executive secretary, who after all has to make coffee for Mr. Fields because he can't figure out how to run the coffee-maker — each of those dollars coming directly out of her pockets or those of car buyers. Those so inclined can instead select the obesity crisis, global warming, or "suburban sprawl." And it seems there's always something stirring in Iraq.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Invasion_from_Central_America_promises_helpful_new_US_crisis&oldid=5827271"