UnNews:ISIS finally goes too far

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 21:06:59 (UTC)
ISIS finally goes too far UnNews Logo Potato.png

6 March 2015

An example of the documents that ISIS has destroyed. Iraq has been too busy arguing about Sharia and calling new elections to transcribe their contents.

MOSUL, Iraq -- Like the pub bully who is spoiling for a fight and must make ever-greater provocation before anyone else at the bar will take him on, ISIS may finally have gone too far. In the wake of burning alive in a cage a Jordanian pilot — who surely must have expected to die, sooner or later, anyway — then beheading journalists, a bright-eyed blonde missionary, and Homosexuals and even "Dreamers," the Caliphate has finally spurred worldwide outrage by destroying relics from the national museum here.

Irreplaceable pieces have now been lost to posterity, as the Caliphate book-burning is the region's largest fire since Saddam torched his own oil fields out of spite. Abdul Mahdi al-Karbalai, who represents Iraq's Grand Ayatollah, even condemned ISIS, which is the Arabian equivalent of World War II vets brawling during a Main Street parade.

The Wall Street Journal published Mr. al-Karbalai's remarks using the always-reliable Google Translate. The copy is in Washington English, so "Muslim terrorist" is rendered as "ideological militant," "misbehaving" is changed to "troubled," and ISIS itself is referred to as the Tea Party movement. Likely Presidential candidate Rand Paul said on Meet the Press that the U.S. is to blame. "We started it when we toppled the statue of Saddam in Baghdad," he said. "We cannot blame them for reacting in kind." He said the golden Saddam might have become a historical artifact, some day.

U.S. President Obama had dealt with the lesser outrages by drawing red lines and going out to play golf, and is currently busy trying to get Iran to agree to a treaty that somehow won't involve the Senate and will give us a full year between Iran breaking it and Iran having hundreds of nukes — a year in which we can dither, sling mud, and blame Bush. But Mr. Obama cautioned Iraqis to keep pets indoors. If ISIS began kitten huffing, an outraged world might demand decisive action.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:ISIS_finally_goes_too_far&oldid=6178830"