UnNews:Hillary dies during CNN debate
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 05:34:59 (UTC) |
| Hillary dies during CNN debate | 
|
26 January 2016
NEW YORK CITY -- Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton expired Sunday evening during the debate held on CNN.
The awkward moment took over a minute during the televised debate. The FanGraphs sports statistics website logged 37 coughs and 7 throat-clearings on the part of the former Secretary of State before the very public death.
The health crisis, which was the only reward for viewers who channel-surfed over from the NFL semi-final game, followed a more minor event during the previous debate that sent Ms. Clinton to the Ladies' Room for business that oddly had to wait until Eliot Spitzer's mistress finished her turn in the lavatory. The medical details are of course not public, due to the HIPAA, but it probably involved hypodermic needles, involuntary muscle spasms, and the vomiting of blood. Ms. Clinton returned late to the debate, where remaining participants laughed away her tardiness, in one of the evening's more "light-hearted" moments.
Republican Donald Trump guessed that "there was blood spurting out of her...whatever," showing that he knows as little about menopause as he does about the nuclear triad.
In the current debate, Ms. Clinton caught her breath only twice, at which she valiantly tried to return to her debate points. "There...must...be...consequences," she gasped, although Almighty God was at the moment administering the same, perhaps guided by the immortal soul of the late Vince Foster.
Earlier in the evening, she had been winning debate points. In an Emmy-winning response to the single audience question about her honesty, Ms. Clinton claimed to be a victim of the Clinton misdeeds on the basis that there were so many of them that "I can't keep up with them."
After Ms. Clinton expired, CNN respectfully put her cadaver back into the debate chair, rather than employ the empty-chair rhetorical device that President Obama used during his final State of the Union address, and CNN moderators had random, blue-collar voters ask her questions scripted by party chairman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, for which even extended silence would have some poignant meaning.
The next GOP debate will be on Fox News. Republican chairman Reince Priebus [sic] pulled the business from rival network CNBC after viewers and participants thought moderators had treated the Republican candidates shabbily. Fox News, by comparison, would never savage a Republican like Marco Rubio for taking a sip of water during a televised speech. Moderator Megyn Kelly has always soft-pedaled the demeaning terms Mr. Trump has used toward women.
Mr. Trump, however, declared that he would not attend the upcoming debate at all, and did not accuse Mr. Priebus of trolling him by picking Ms. Kelly. Mr. Trump added that, if elected President, he would also boycott any meetings scheduled with Angela Merkel, because she too is third-rate, all washed up, and not very good at what she does.
Sources[edit]
- David Martosko "Hillary hacks her way through Middle East speech". Daily Mail, January 25, 2016
- Tina Nguyen "Trump Threatens to Drop Out of Upcoming Fox Debate Because Megyn Kelly Is Moderating". Vanity Fair, January 26, 2016