UnNews:Hillary's BlackBerry photo launched email probe

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The news outlet with approval higher than Congress ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 05:21:59 (UTC)
Hillary's BlackBerry photo launched email probe UnNews Logo Potato.png

11 June 2016

State Department foreign analysts believe the man in the background is Herve "Tattoo" Villechaize, who had arrived at Congressional hearings despite being deceased to inform the Secretary of State that "Da plane is coming."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This famous photograph of Hillary Clinton using her BlackBerry launched the study that ultimately revealed her private server, according to Freedom of Information Act proceedings last week.

State Department Staff Director Karin Lang wrote in a deposition that, when the photo first appeared in the media, State verified that Hillary still did not have an email account at State.gov, according to a story in Politico. Everyone asked confirmed that Hillary was giving orders from FirstLadiesGoneWild.xxx but no one thought it unusual. Hillary herself used the photo as an avatar, until the line changed that she had no familiarity with electronic devices or social media and needed a private but official server atop her home bidet because she had trouble figuring out the government system.

Fortunately, Secretary Clinton, who has trouble with eye contact as well, was wearing her signature dark glasses. State Department investigators enlarged this photo and were able to read, in the reflection off the glasses, that Hillary was authorizing a "hit" on a Republican gadfly who was about to blow the lid off corruption at the Clinton Family Foundation. Sadly, the names of both the assassin and the planned target had scrolled off the tiny screen.

The deposition came as conservative watchdog Judicial Watch sought to compel the production of such dirt on top Clinton aide and Iranian spy Huma Abedin as the two gals may have failed to shred during their deletion party last year. Abedin and other aides will be deposed by the end of June, at which time the FBI will decide who is the bigger perjuror and suggest criminal charges, President Obama will declare that the nation deserves an election without tawdry partisan distractions, Hillary will owe Obama a huge debt, and the American people will rest assured that nothing will be on the level at least into 2021. They will elect Hillary over Donald Trump because the latter is a racist with bad Body Odor and Mitt Romney doesn't like him.

The same State Department investigators are almost unanimous that Saddam Hussein will be forced out of power in Iraq in a matter of weeks.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Hillary%27s_BlackBerry_photo_launched_email_probe&oldid=6172722"