UnNews:Giant asteroid headed for Earth; God says no sweat
| Straight talk, from straight faces | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:30:59 (UTC) |
| Giant asteroid headed for Earth; God says no sweat | 
|
19 January 2015
PARIS, France. -- After two thousand years of deliberation over the gathering anti-Semitic behaviour on Earth, God decided he has had quite enough of this nonsense and thrown a huge asteroid directly at the home world. The planet-shattering impact will take place in the Pacific Ocean on Saturday afternoon, marking the end of society as we know it.
Asteroid BL 86 is inbound at a blistering 35,000 miles per hour, straight from the constellation of Cancer. In an ironic twist, the five-billion-ton rock will strike our planet at 1530 on 24th January, just after the final episode of The Real Housewives of Tel Aviv.
Speaking at a press conference in the French capital, God said he has “decided to step in to assist Galactic Authorities in wiping out anti-Semitism once and for all.
“There is serious concern throughout the Milky Way that Earthlings now pose a real risk to the Galaxy’s wider Jewish community, prompting enhanced patrols around solar system’s synagogues. We are now seeing more and more angry mobs gathering on our desert worlds, burning holograms, chanting and firing lazer weapons into the air.“
Galactic Police chiefs said a rise in anti-Semitic rhetoric from religous extremists on Earth is causing increasing unrest in areas with large populations of the Milky Way's eighty trillion Jews. “Earth, it is just not good enough.” boomed The Almighty.
Lord Ansel Zaydel, the Galactic Chief Rabbi told reporters: “After what happened in Paris we are beginning to get Jews asking, will underlings be safe in a Jewish school? Will I be able to hyperspace jump to LV426’s synagogue unmolested, or go without fear to a Jewish shop in Mos Eisley for kosher Bantha Fodder?
“There can be no doubt that the anxiety among the Jewish space faring community is at a high, since the fall of the Galactic Empire.”
God added, “The human race is small beans really, when you look at my grand scheme of things. It's a shame, but this whole business will soon blow over and the Universe can move on. Don’t take it too personally; to be fair I am partly to blame, I have made two billion inhabited planets here, so I was bound to screw up one or two.
"I promise I’ll use your debris to make a nice pretty new ring around the sun."
“Although you would consider this out of character, I suggest you all just pack your desks, go out and have as much sex with as many things as possible. It seems to be something Earthlings think about a great deal so have a ball, while you’ve got one to stand on.”
Our Planet's leaders have called an emergency meeting to discuss a case for our salvation based, in the main, on our talent for making the best reality TV shows in the known Universe.
Sources[edit]
- David Freeman "Giant Asteroid Is Headed Our Way, But NASA Says No Worries". HUFFINGTON POST, January 18, 2015
- Ian Drury and Jack Doyle "'Without its Jews, Britain would not be Britain,' warns Theresa May over fears of an exodus in wake of anti-Semitic attacks". DAILY MAIL, January 18, 2015