UnNews:Gender pronouns turn out to be a big deal

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Wednesday, December 1, 2021, 07:26:59 (UTC)

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22 August 2021

This discovery has already led to many universities re-allocating funds from the "productive sciences" into gender studies and gender programs.

GENEVA, Switzerland -- Today a group of scientists at the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest and most hadron collider, released a report on their findings of what happened when they used gender pronouns to describe particles in one of their physics experiments.

Quoting the report: "For centuries people have satisfied themselves with honorific titles (like "Mister") to indicate which gender they wished to be identified with and the English language has saved use of the word "they" for describing groups of people. ("He wanted to call his friends but none of them had their iPhones," instead of, "They wanted to call their friends but none of them had their themPhones".) If people had difficulty determining which gender they identified with, they simply decided the opposite of the gender associated with whichever sex they were most attracted to. But, as we all know, this system was very, very broken.

First of all, oftentimes people who did not want to use either the men or women's bathrooms were forced to use the bathroom that had a sign of a picture of a person in a wheelchair on it instead. This associated hermaphroditism with disability, and even though most hermaphrodites did not choose to be hermaphrodites, did not like to be hermaphrodites and did not want to be hermaphrodites, to consider them somehow similar to those pathetic losers in wheelchairs was deeply offensive.

Rather than taking the obvious approach of changing the sign on the bathroom door, some creative and intelligent individuals decided to make it, at least in some countries, nationally-enforced law that people use the preferred pronouns of others when addressing them, with criminal penalties for the person that fails to do so or if a person being addressed quickly changes their pronoun.

After having rejected the traditional approach of honorifics due to... due to... mmmscrmmm.. social media geniuses soon adopted this cause and it spread like wildfire - although many people continued to wonder what the advantage of all of it was."

That is, until now.

From Nillie O. Kurtomic, one of the authors of the ground-breaking study: "We were having difficulty with a particular aspect of quantum entanglement, this idea that two electrons are uniquely bound to each other - with the hope being that one day this extraordinary relationship could be used to unlock the potential of quantum computing - but we just couldn't get any of the equations to work for us. Eventually, one of our researchers got fed up and just started calling the electrons by different pronouns until boom! All of a sudden, the experiment started working and after that, we found that by using the right gender pronoun we could gain complete control of the quantum entanglement process."

This incredible discovery will surely come as a welcome relief to all those who have been lambasted and persecuted due to their rejection of compelled gender pronouns and welcome ammunition for those who consider the fight for their(/khmer/geheimer) extra-equality far from over.

However, when pressed on what exact gender pronouns had proven successful, Dr. Kurtomic was coy. After many attempts, it was only after we threatened to not include her name in this article that we got this:

"Fine! I'll tell you! It's the n-word, okay? The only pronoun that ended up working was the n-word! Are you happy?"

Yes, Dr. Kurtomic.[1] Yes we are.


  1. Not the Doctor's real name.