UnNews:FOX News embraces newest form of protest: teabagging

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:09:59 (UTC)

17 April 2009

Republican teabagging recruitment poster

THE ALAMO, Texas -- A spontaneous upsurge of sweaty Americans, only slightly influenced by FOX News staff and their rantings, came out in dribs and drabs today across the United States. They were out to protest the Tax and Spend policies of the Obama administration, and the three percent tax hike on those who have no chance of being homeless, hungry, or without two cars.

Cult personality Glenn Beck took to the podium today, encouraging Americans to speak out against taxation, the IRS, the Obama administration, and several ancillary Republican hot button points.

"I think it's so damned appropriate that we're gathered here at the Alamo, a last stand of sorts, of real Americans. And in the spirit of our forefathers, the original real Americans, we embrace the teabag as a symbol of protest. As a modern Republican, I have also embraced the issues of our times. In a nod to Larry Craig, whose innocent wide stance brought him low, and a wink at the Boston Tea Party, which protested tyranny, I salute tea, teabagging, and freedom! And they'll have to pry my gun from my cold, dead hands!"

Not to be distracted by the segue of that last sentence, UnNews chief political correspondent Diaphanous Presage at the American desk called Mr. Beck on Larry Craig's glory hole indiscretion, and whether former Senator Craig is an appropriate role model for the new Republicans coming up today.

Beck replied, "First of all, Larry is a close friend of mine, and is most certainly not a homosexual. That whole thing at the Milwaukee airport was a setup by then-minority Democrats to frame him as gay."

Like his idol, Dick Cheney, Glenn Beck loves a level playing field for his hunts.

"Number 2, I know what you're implying by teabagging, and I don't like it at all. I won't stoop to your level, and acknowledge your scrotal humour. I'll bet you're one of these liberal assholes who love John Stewart and the Daily Show", or that pinko Steven Colbert.

"Number C, this whole thing today (April 15, tax day in the US) is a nationwide, grass roots protest against the wasteful tax and spend Obama regime. I insist that Fox News has nothing to do with it whatsoever. That's the real message wrapped in the fake message, so to speak. Now, get the Hell out of here, I'm starting to cry!"

“Hey, that was my quote about prying a gun from my cold, dead hands. That Glenn Beck is a real dick!”
~ Charlton Heston on Glenn Beck's appropration of his infamous quote