UnNews:Elon Musk to buy Mars
| We distort, you deride | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Friday, April 19, 2024, 17:20:59 (UTC) |
| Elon Musk to buy Mars | 
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27 April 2022
HOUSTON, Texas -- Multi-multi-multi-billionaire Elon Musk wants to buy Mars from NASA in time for a planet-sized tax evasion strategy. The 51-year-old is on a natural high after buying Twitter to make all liberals cry and become the most powerful human in history.
The South Africa-born owner of Tesla and SpaceX said he is "very well advanced" with his plans to get there before anyone else, "especially that bald creep Jeff Bezos," referring to the owner of Amazon. Bezos has stated that billionaires should not wield direct political power — writing an op-ed in his Washington Post — but could not be reached for comment.
"This is going to be one huge adventure, like the time Christopher Columbus dropped acid when he discovered New York. I am going to be the Founding Father of a New Civilization. I want to own that place, create my own regime and not pay anyone a single cent, penny or clipped toenail in taxes. Mars will be mine!"
Musk's ambitions now have no limit, said his spokesman. The plan is to get to Mars in 2029 with an elite force of pioneers and plant breeding specialists.
"I was bullied at school," added Musk. "Now I am going to show everyone that I am the greatest man in history since Jesus Christ. I will create a new society for the winners. The losers will be thrown out of the biosphere and see how long they last in the Martian deserts. I am not mad. Just successful." Mr. Christ could not be reached for his reaction either.
In fact, Musk has been bullied since school. Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) last month ridiculed him for paying no taxes. Musk retorted on Twitter that he paid the most taxes in one year in the history of the United States — but the spat evidently spurred him to think about ways to save, going forward.
The actual ownership of Mars was settled in 1967 with the "Treaty on Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space, Including the Moon and Other Celestial Bodies". The treaty was written by the USA, the United Kingdom and the USSR and later ratified by 100 other countries. However, as one of these no longer exists and the second could break apart if Scotland deserts England for more fun elsewhere, the USA is the only barrier to the full privatization — but in 2015, both Musk's SpaceX and Bezos's Blue Origin claimed the right to "possess, own, transport, use and sell materials extracted from celestial bodies".
Musk added, "People laughed when I said electric cars were the future. They laughed when I bought Twitter. They won't laugh when I become a Martian for tax reasons."
Sources[edit]
- Staff "Elon Musk's mission to Mars". NPR, April 27, 2022