UnNews:Doors still slamming after all these years

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2 March 2007

Two of four Doors agree they're still hot

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The Doors, except for Jim Morrison, were honored with a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Shame. “We would have included Jim,” 68-year-old Ray Manzarek, the band’s keyboardist, said, “but he was unable to attend and wouldn’t appreciate the honor, anyway, being dead and all.”

Morrison died of heart failure from chronic alcoholism and habitual drug use while was on the toilet in a French hotel suite he was sharing with his girlfriend, Pamela Courson.

“Jim referred to defecation as ‘giving birth,’” Courson told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “He’d just had triplets when he expired. I named them after the boys in the band, Ray, Robby, and John.” She was going to have them bronzed as the last mementoes of Morrison’s life, but “they smelled pretty bad,” she said.

The other Doors, guitarist Freddy Kreuger Robby Krieger, 61, and John Densmore, 78, said, “Morrison was never much of a musician, anyway. The band owes its success to the other three of us. All Jim did was get drunk, get stoned, and get laid. He was so messed up he couldn’t tell the difference between giving birth and taking a dump, and he referred to his feces as his ‘babies.’ He was pretty sick and extremely disgusting.”

The remaining Doors have fought over the band’s name, a judge decreeing that neither Krieger nor Manzarek may use the name, nor is either permitted to use any likeness of Morrison to promote a “better” version of the musical group. There are hard feelings among the band members, except for drummer Densmore, who suffers from Alzheimer’s and believes himself to be either John Lennon or Lennon’s murderer, Mark David Chapman. Krieger and Manzarek “slam each other all the time,” Courson said.

The Doors’ star is between those of Little Richard and Ricky Nelson.

Courson did not attend. Reportedly, she’s still in denial that Morrison is really dead and is awaiting his return from the bathroom. “Sometimes, Jim got constipated,” she said.

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