UnNews:Donald Trump

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 12:41:59 (UTC)

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Trump plans peaceful transition

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump has tacked to a new course in his effort to "Make America Great Again" after making it great and then wrecking it — now conceding that Joe Biden is going to be the next U.S. President in two weeks, after all.

Trump's strategic parkour comes after a month of failing to persuade state legislatures, the Congress, the Supreme Court, and the public that the election was not as it seems. Full story»

Trump about to concede

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a leaked copy of Trump's concession speech, he says, "I have decided to focus my impressive talents on other things until fake ballots are identified, piled up, and burnt on the White House lawn.

"I will continue to manage the important affairs of the United States from Trump Tower and magnanimously let the single worst candidate in the history of America occupy the White House as fake president." Full story»

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Trump twitchy over Postmaster zeal

BEDMINSTER, New Jersey -- Donald Trump addressed — and gave a first-class stamp to — Postmaster-General Louis DeJoy, during a press conference at his golf club here.

Mr. DeJoy, a Trump mega-donor and self-styled “Dickensian workhouse Master”, was hailed for trying to “make the Postal Service great again” through merciless asset-stripping, buttressing his own logistics empires, and beating child-labourers with tarred rope. Full story»

Trump pardons Susan B. Anthony dollar

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump granted a full pardon to the Susan B. Anthony dollar to mark the centennial of the right to vote.

The Anthony dollar was a felony bad idea of Jimmy Carter, as no one wanted a suffragette on their coins. Trump's pardon means the dollar will serve no jail time. It may write a book and go on a promotional tour on talk radio. Full story»

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Trump: Elections not as democratic as my Twitter feed

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Trump addressed the upheaval of his campaign in a Rose Garden press conference scheduled for an update on the Coronavirus.

"I love elections, really I do, they are a good thing, you know, for the country, for veterans. But the next vote will be crooked, everyone knows that, I tweeted it." Full story»

Trump faces re-impeachment for "Start your engines" quip

DAYTONA, Florida -- President Donald Trump attended the Daytona 500 and uttered the iconic command, "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

But the remark drew more threats of reprisal from the nation's office-holders than when Mr. Trump told the Attorney General, "I would have given Roger Stone probation, please, if you know what's good for you." Full story»

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IMPEACHMENT REBOOT

Pelosi pushed-to-transmit

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Speaker Nancy Pelosi will "take steps" to transmit the articles of impeachment to the Senate for trial.

She had held the resolution for nearly a month, "until we see what the forum is," though the forum is certainly the Senate, where leader Mitch McConnell gave a nod to the motion by Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) to start the impeachment anyway and pretend they knew the particulars. Full story»

McConnell promises Senate will do more damage

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Mitch McConnell said the Senate would now take over from the House, and do more damage. "Their turn is over. They’ve done enough damage! It’s the Senate’s turn now," he said.

Among the damage McConnell might have meant is a drug-pricing bill that would remove unaffordable drugs from the market and relieve the dilemma between buying a vital wonder drug and heating one's home. Full story»

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