UnNews:Department of Homeland Security Ordered to Cut Spending
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 17:30:59 (UTC) |
| Department of Homeland Security Ordered to Cut Spending | 
|
21 April 2009
As United States President Barack Obama orders various departments to find ways to cut spending in their budget, Amy Rose, secretary of the Department of Homeland Security has submitted a release to the press as to what changes she will make to the department's budget, and how much each of those changes will save the American taxpayer.
“Though small, these changes in the Department of SONNIKKU will set the tone for future cuts and savings in the United States Govenment”
The budget changes that Amy will carry out are as follows:
- Start buying office supplies from reputable retailers instead of some guy off the street. Estimated savings: $12,350
- Deport Alex Lifeson, Geddy Lee, and Neil Peart Estimated Savings: none (
)“I never liked Rush”
- Build a wall on the border between America and Rush Limbaugh. Estimated Savings : $5,000 in aspirin for Barack Obama
- Switch from fluorescent light bulbs to glow sticks. Estimated savings: $50
- Buy Crack instead of Cocaine. Estimated Savings: $500
- Fire the Blue Man Group. (
) Estimated savings: $23,518,332.22“NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT MY BLUE MAN GROUP!”
- Eliminate travel budget (but still expect employees to travel to their assignments). Estimated Savings: $9,876
These cuts, among other cuts from other departments, are only a small fraction of Barack Obama's nine quadrillion budget some call "spending into prosperity". Others criticize not cutting things that don't work, such as the Air Force, and Microsoft.
“Those cuts amount to buying an expensive plasma TV, the feeling bad about that large purchase and returning a cable!”
“Oh, soooooryyyyyy mister apocalypse-is-coming-so-hate-Obama-because-he's-black!”
“I don't hate Obama because he's black!”
“You're a fucking ididot, you know that?”
The debate rages on as Obama reviews the cuts, but one thing is clear: This is "change we can believe in" so says Barack Obama.
