UnNews:Democrats take a beating
| A newsstand that's brimming with issues | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, December 21, 2024, 18:33:59 (UTC) |
| Democrats take a beating | 
|
5 November 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- America gave U.S. President Barack Obama a giant kick in the pants and gave the Republicans full control of Congress. The sound of wailing and broken crockery was heard from outside the White House, and insiders say it was not merely Hillary Clinton throwing ash trays this time.
As the results rolled in, Democratic Party candidates were beaten in the Senate and House of Representatives, bringing to 80 the Democratic ex-Congressmen who have experienced first-hand Obama's vow to "transform" America. Democrats also lost a handful of governorships and the office of Alaska State Husky Catcher. Jubiliant Republicans are now rubbing their bellies with the prospect of reducing Barack Obama's authority to lower than a Dodo in a lame duck contest.
Obama, for his part, blamed American businessmen such as the Koch Brothers for throwing billions of dollars to beat the candidates of "Hope Not Hate" — a failed campaign slogan now reported to be ready for more mundane use in McDonald's commercials.
The least the Republicans will demand is the erection of a statue to Ayn Rand outside the West Wing to remind Obama that his rent is due. Speaker John Boehner said Obama should pack his bags and go straight to a privatized, maximum-security jail — self-deporting from the White House, as well as self-impeaching, and retreating back to Chicago at the end of his prison term.
Republican leaders nervously met in the Capitol cloakroom, facing their unpleasant duty to devise an actual legislative agenda to meet the White House veto buzz-saw. Reportedly, this will include dainty adjustments to Obama-care, perhaps allowing America's millions of businesses with 49½ employees to grow to 59½, and cuts in government spending to take effect in 2024. Mitt Romney was giddy about the chance to slap a Republican cover on Obama's immigration amnesty program, provided Obama waits for Congress to act at all. Fashion model Scott Brown (pictured) was one of the few left out in the cold, denied a second cup of coffee in the Senate, but he noted that there are 48 states left for him to run in. Obama corrected him: "You mean 58."
Sources[edit]
- Staff "U.S. Democrats lose control of the Senate to the Republicans". Huffington Post, November 5, 2014
- Venessa Wong "McDonald’s Isn’t Lovin’ All the Attention to Its Slogan Ideas". Business Week, November 3, 2014