UnNews:Cthulhu leads Democratic primaries

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Monday, December 6, 2021, 18:01:59 (UTC)

Cthulhu leads Democratic primaries UnNews Logo Potato.png

3 June 2008

Cthulhu '08!

DUNWICH, Massachusetts -- Results from a study were revealed today by the Facist Association of America, or Associated Press, Cthulhu, lord of eternal doom and suffering, show leads in the polls for the presidential candidancy at a ratio of infinity-to-one. When asked for comment on how he feels about this Cthulhu had this to say: "You dare question Cthulhu!? Eternal damnation is your fate for this insolence! Your ancestors will feel the pain of a trillion deaths for ten-thousand generations! Your bones shall be broken for eternity, and your skin will be ripped off with jagged rocks, every day, until the end of time! Oh, and yes, I am quite pleased."

While the reason for the people's favor for Cthulhu over the other running candidate is currently unknown, it is belived that Cthulhu's promises to bring this country into an even better hell than what Satan himself can dream of. In addition to his policies on ending the war in Iraq by using nuclear weapons without discretion, Cthulhu has promised to spare the pathetic souls from infinite agony in exchange for votes. "If elected president, I will solve this problem you mortals call "global warming". I promise you, the sun will never shine on earth's soil ever again." said Cthulhu in a rally last week. Perhaps the most beneficial pull Cthulhu has going for him in the long run is "A shoggoth for every home!" Still, a small remainder of voters remained "undecided" in the gallop poll. Their whereabouts are currently unknown. If seen, please call 1-800-CTHULHU at R'yleh, Florida.