UnNews:Conservationist alarmed by retreat of South Yarra Ice Shelf

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Friday, May 24, 2024, 15:45:59 (UTC)

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19 October 2006

Environmental disaster: Part of the South Yarra Ice Shelf yesterday

SOUTH YARRA, Australia, GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK) -- ARMCHAIR environmentalist Brent "Potato" Couchman yesterday expressed alarm at the retreat of the South Yarra Ice Shelf, which has shrunk by at least 70 per cent in the past five days.

"Even on Sunday the ice came out to here," he said, indicating an area close to the front of the freezer compartment of his clapped-out old Kelvinator fridge. "Now look at it. There's hardly enough of it left to get a decent pair of nipples erect."

Couchman said the loss of the ice shelf posed a clear and present threat to his cramped habitat because his ex-girlfriend, Ahorita Mamacita, had just texted him in the taxi from the airport saying that she'd just got back from holiday in Thailand and was bringing around a duty-free bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin.

"When you're trying to get back with an ex-girlfriend it's important that you appear a fair bit suaver than she remembers you," an increasingly agitated Couchman said.

"All Ahorita said in the text was 'I got bombay sapphic (sic) if u got tonic & ice. c u in 15.' I remembered to get the tonic water on the way home, but I completely forgot that I was almost out of ice.

"I'm an idiot," Couchman continued in his trademark self-flagellating fashion. "The last few days I've been putting ice in everything I've drunk -- Coke, dry ginger, even my tomato juice this morning for Chrissakes.

"I guess I'll have to go to the Caltex over the road to get a bag of ice, but that in itself is going to make me look pretty untogether.

"Worst-case scenario is if I go over the road and come back and she's standing outside the gate trying to get in and I'm hurrying back with this dripping bag of ice. It doesn't bear thinking about."

Couchman, however, remained upbeat about his prospects of sexually penetrating the 28-year-old dental nurse for the 147th time.

"She's obviously gagging for it," he said. "If she'd got laid in Thailand she wouldn't be coming around here straight off the plane.

"Yeah... I hadn't thought about it like that. Looks like I'm back in business. But I better go scrub the skidmarks off the toilet bowl. It looks like the landing deck of the Ark Royal."