UnNews:Concertina-playing pensioner given ABSO

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21 February 2008

Cops were called to the scene of an old-aged pensioner playing his concertina yesterday evening, following complaints from fellow neighbors. Joe Doulton, 88, was playing 'The Thing That Should Not Be' by Metallica on his inherited concertina when police sergeants made entry and read Mr. Doulton his rights.

One of Mr. Doulton's neighbors, Henry Basildon, who reported the complaint, told us: "I had a business meeting in the morning, starting at 6AM, and the last thing you want to hear is somebody playing the William Tell Overture or the 1812 Over-cocking-ture on his f*****g concertina". "The dick I originally heard was playing music, dicks are more-often-than-not male and Joe likes to play music. It all added up." A slightly over-confident Basildon then asked us if we would like to print some of his racist jokes, to which we declined.

But it wasn't just Basildon that heard the caterwauling noise. Amelia Basil, a 33-year-young lady said: "The man was playing pretentious crap. I hope he got finger spasms as I'm now deaf in two ears from the screaming of my baby who was kept awake all night".

A teenager called Dennis Definitely was trying to 'cram' when he heard the concertina music. Dennis Definitely said: "Give the guy a kazoo. In fact no, send him a jawbreaker. And if he plays that shit again, I'll do it personally".

Mr. Doulton has now been given an 'ABSO' which stands for 'Anti Behavior Surrendered Order', meaning he has been banned from playing any musical instrument for four years, and what he refers to as his 'lovely concertina' has been confiscated by police.

However, relatives of Joe Doulton have other opinions. Lucy Doulton, Joe's daughter said: "He's a wonderfully eccentric old-aged-pensioner. I like to think that he plays soothing music to all the neighbors in bed". We later told Lucy that he was consistently playing fast and upbeat music, to which Joe's husband Lauren wound up the car window and drove off.

A police official said: "We won't tolerate noise pollution or disturbance in this neighborhood, we have laws to stop old-aged-pensioners playing concertinas in the night, and we will put them into practice till the day we die". "

From now on, those who'd like to play concertinas or any musical instruments will need to acquire a permission form from their local authorities.