UnNews:Christian Chiropractors will crack for Jesus
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Friday, November 22, 2024, 02:07:59 (UTC) |
| Christian Chiropractors will crack for Jesus | 
|
6 May 2006
Wombatshire, Queensland Australia - The Australian Fundamental Christian Chiropractic Institute has opened it's doors today in a cememony that was lightly attended. Champagne toasts preceded a ceremony at which Chancellor Biff Strong-arm Thompkins spoke at length about, "a need in the 21st century for natural healing as applied by a Christian hand. We shall dispense with the sham of teaching sciences in lieu of a more faith-based, natural, and Lord praising curriculum. In addition, we are introducing the central figure of our endeavors, Chiropractor Jesus , or ChiroJesus, here today to lead us in prayer." With that, ChrioJesus stepped up to the podium and led the faculty in prayer:
- "Oh, Heavenly Father, we beseeche Thee...
- guide our hands in our craft,
- to rake in the profits,
- to bamboozle the general public
- with talk of subluxations,
- and to convert the heathen unbelievers
- into paying customers, Amen."
Chiropractic (from the Greek, to pull wool over the eyes) was started by an ambitious and delusional D. D. Palmer, who declared himself a doctor in 1910, and set up shop in Iowa, making peoples joints crack for a fee. In 1982, the American Medical Association accepted Chiropractors as bone fide doctors, with the proviso being, they dispense no medications and try not to lie too much about their abilities to cure anything. A bizarre cult of Fundamentalist Christians took over "Life Institute of Chiropractic" of Georgia, US in 1989 for three weeks to protest that many of the faculty lacked a Christian image. Today, the 17 of the original 88 members of this cult have emigrated to Australia and come to teach at the Institute.
The Institute will continue the tradition of teaching methods of so-called "practice building", whereby a chiropractor bilks his "patients" out of whatever they're willing to pay to get their backs cracked. It is estimated that a fresh infusion of chiropractic graduates loosed on the world by ACCFI will result in a 0.88% increase in deaths [[1]]and paralysis from "neck adjustment" induced strokes. "But that's OK with the Lord, if the Lord is OK with the patient, wot?", commented Harry "Snapper" Organs of the registrar's office.
The result of three years study at the Institute is a proficiency in disgnosis of illness based on the Which Vertabrae Would Jesus Manipulate? philosophy, as taught by founding Chaplain John Wayne Gacy. Thousands of hours are spent, trying to emulate Prof. Gacy's prowess with divination. Graduates also must understand how to make joints between vertabrae make a cracking sound with quick, jerking motions, and how to prattle on about the AMA and their horde of "Allopathic" physicians. Many students opt for additional certifications in such therapies such as Acupuncture and Homeopathy, so as to round out their resume of bullshit.
The first graduating class will be practicing in 2009 as Doctors of Jesus Chiropractic. "We feel the Spirit moving us to stamp out non-Christian religions, and make people feel better about themselves", said a student who wished to be unnamed. "Do you feel the love here (at the ceremony)? Isn't it all just so, gosh... wonderful?"
Sources[edit]
- Stephen Barrett, M.D. "Chiropractic's Dirty Secret: Neck Manipulation and Strokes". Quackwatch.com, May 163, 2003
- The Neck911 network is an international volunteer group of individuals who provide consultations on complications due to neck manipulation. "Neck Manipulation Can Cause Injury Or Death!". Non-Profit, 2005