UnNews:Bush popularity soars in straw poll

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Tuesday, November 30, 2021, 00:49:59 (UTC)

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31 July 2006

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Straw polls bring out throngs of voters, who all basically look like this guy.

LUBBOCK, Texas -- A straw poll taken in the humble town of the president's "working ranch", delivered the goods to the ruling Cabal of Republicans today. Says local Republican Party Chairman for the small burg, Alphonse "Jesus is my bombadier!" Pelican, "Well, if'n we knowed all along, that our scarecrows cud vote jes lack iny other 'Merican", ol George woulda ner had t' cheat in Florida. Uh-huh! Uh-huh!" This reporter, frankly, had no idea how to respond to that.

No scarecrows admitted being threatened or coerced into a particular pattern of voting, most particularly not fraudulent voting. So-called "meat voters" were weeded out easily, since they could move and talk, whereas scarecrows cannot do either, and summarily shot for "moderately high treason". The entire county surrounding Lubbock was on 24-hour lock-down, being declared, "as dangerous as Baghdad, at least, in his mind", by White House Mouthpiece Tony Snow.

Celebrities Bob Hope, Kathy Griffin, Cesar Chavez, and Tom Cruise turned up for a "post-sure vote party", catered by dirty Philipinos in duck costumes. Entertainment was provided by the Dick Cheney Shotgun Orchestra, with Dick himself directing the gunfire away from party goers, and toward members of the Saudi press.

A beligerent but amusing President Bush juggled hamsters during a performance by Boy George and the Hermann Goering Impersonators, and handed out Exxon stocks as party favors. When asked by German Chancellor Angela Merkel for an encore, Bush gave a signal and a surprise cake exploded in a gazebo, yielding an icing-covered Fabio. The obvious ploy to get the Chancellor horny failed abysmally, as did the president's attempt to get her stoned in a pool cabana.