UnNews:Bush Cancels "Unpatriotic" Memorial Day

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“All Memorial Days are quite useless.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Memorial Day

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27 May 2006

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WASHINGTON, D.C. —A bill cancelling Memorial Day was signed today by President Bush, who called the celebration "unpatriotic". Under the new law, this year's Memorial Day will not take place and anyone caught trying to remember the dead will be fined. Bush commented, "Look, I know people like to remember our fallen soldiers, but we're in a war here. The more people are reminded of the deaths that can result from war, the less they're going to support our war. That's just what Al Qaeda wants. If we allow Memorial Day to go on, then the terrorists have won."

Conservative pundits praised the move. Said Faux News commentator Bill O'Reilly: "Those treasonous commies over at the other news organizations just love to undermine the government by reminding us of people who have died in the war. Now that Memorial Day is cancelled, however, they have one less weapon with which to attack our core American beliefs."

"Shut up," O'Reilly added.

Not everyone is pleased, however. CBS News anchor Bob Schieffer remarked, "I concede that it might not be the best for Iraq War support if we're reminded that war is a terrible thing that should be avoided at all costs, but shouldn't there be some acknowledgement of their great sacrifice?" Schieffer was promptly fired.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld offered a different view: "We don't allow coffins being brought home to be photographed, do we? This is the same thing. Imagine if everyone were constantly reminded of the human cost of our decision to go in and take out the government of a sovereign nation. Why, we'd never get anything done."